Monday, May 09, 2011

from FB notes

I have been writing in FB my funny things and only coming to mhf towrite really sad stuff.
that should change.
so here's some FB notes, repurposed for the blogosphere:

Note title: "Seriously?"

my attempts to meet someone online have brought me this delightful number:

my introduction/interrogation

what do you do?

where do you live?

i'm a grad student in philly.


his response


i just look your picture i understood you are very nice.

i came in usa last week. i come from turkey. i am engineer. i won green card, i am looking for a new job. i living my cousen in phila. i need new friend. i join pof.i wnat to write you.

Now I recognize my interrogatory technique is not the best but this was my second email. I was more tactful in the first...

Note title: "Family"

i am so blessed with my family.

there are moments I start to cry and I hate dobutamine

I hate it because it made me hope for something that didn't hap


and it's not dobutamine's fault.

sometimes I hate lasix. and i hate that the kidneys and the heart and the lungs can't work it out without one or the other failing.

and i keep learning these things in school. and every time. EVERY TIME we learn about diuretics, about kidney failure, about cardiac output and function I see myself speaking casually about Grandpa's 10% cardiac output fraction. He was stable for a few years at that fraction and that's freaking fantastic.

i don't know when it will come.

driving home from ACCT the other day I just started crying and I don't know what started it.

it might have been a billboard for Penn Health.

and it made me SO ANGRY because they didn't fix him.

and i know, i know, I KNOW how this works. how the body works. how the kdneys and heart and lungs and everything work.

but he was MY GRANDPA.

i hope he is with grandma now. i am trying to find my faith.

If I can believe that grandpa and grandma are together again and are watching their family from above I would be so happy.

grandpa, i miss you so much.

i don't know what they're building in that vacant lot or what the weather is supposed ot be this weekend.

i haven't sold any poems to hallmark or any of my jewelry.

i'm a fiscal failure.

but i'll keep trying.

I'm going back to river this summer to be outside, to build with my hands.

i will know the differnet types of says and teh +/- of all. plus the screws, nails etc....

I wish i could come home and talk to you about it.

we'd go out to the diner.

and i'll always order onion soup.

i love you so much.

grandpa and me at his dr.'s appt

"Tainted Love

Lately I have been finding my soft blanket on the floor a few feet from the couch. I was suspicious of this but thought perhaps i had dragged it with me or carbon had been tangled in it. I was suspicious because this blanket and the matching pillow have more than once been the recipient of Kitten’s wayward love advances.

Since he has no testicles nor penis I don’t know what drives Kitten’s sexy dance. I struggle to comprehend the apparent seasonality it manifests as to me that would suggest an instictive neuro or hormonal component. A behavior that varies with the sun implies (to me) a behavior rooted in physiology but I tend to write his love-dance off as a learned behavior, some sort of strange, sad steriotypy that continues on in the absence of functional parts.

but back to the point. I have 4 cats right now but i do recognize everyone’s separate meow. As I was lying on the couch, attempting to comprehend neuro-ophthamalogy I heard Kitten making his most plaintive, fetching yowl. He then jumped up on the pile of clothes he sleeps on. Instead of sleeping, however, he took the arm of my green sweatshirt in his mouth and began his sexy dance. His sexy dance consists of biting the distal arm of my sweatshirt while he straddles the body of it and kneads it rhythmically, all the while continuing that plaintive yowl.

Over the years Kitten has loved many things beginning, perhaps most disturbingly, with my yellow pikachu pillow. Kitten’s love of the Pikachu Pillow was so extreme my mother and I took him back to the vet to make sure they had really neutered him. I understand now why the vet thought we were crazy people.

When I moved to long island I didn’t bring the pikachu pillow with me so Kitten started up an affair with a stuffed animal I came to call the Love Puppy. Love Puppy moved arount the house usually in my absence. No matter where I left him I would return to find him in the center of the hallway or in the kitchen or some other random, obtrusive location. Again I had my suspicions but it was a few weeks before I was sure Kitten was the source of Love Puppy’s sudden wanderlust.

When I was on the phone for a little while I heard Kitten singing his siren song in the other room. I didn’t think much of it until he wandered into the room with the phone, Love Puppy hanging in his mouth and dragging between his legs much the way a dead antelope is carried by a lion on the savannah. Kitten made eye contact with me, continued his sexy cry and then lay on the side to commence with his sexy dance. In front of me. He continued as long as I stayed on the phone. As soon as I hung up he stopped.

This behavior continued for nearly two years, almost always when I was on the phone or otherwise occupied. I have often thought that kitten was jealous and this was his way of showing off in front of me, perhaps even attempting to make me jealous of the attention he showed Puppy. (I do recognize my gross anthropomorphism here. Strange things happen when you live with many animals and no humans).

Love Puppy is boxed up in the garage somewhere. In the last three or so years kitten has passing flings with a number of fleece blankets and small pillows but nothing with as much committment as he showed Pikachu or Love Puppy. It remains to see how this recent affair will progress.


After starting his dance with the sweatshirt Kitten jumped down and started off down the hallway, dragging the sweatshirt with him. I got up to get it back but then Carbon took off and ran over Kitten in her haste to get to the kitchen. This totally killed the mood. As I hung up my sweatshirt and settled back on the couch I heard a thump over to my left. I turned to see Little Black Kitty and Smushy Face enacting their feline parody of the WWE. They are currently in a 2:1 size ratio making these wrestling matches somewhat lopsided but hilarious to watch.

Kitten and Momma Kitty are asleep. I am using Carbon as a foot stool. I don’t know where LBK and Smushy are, probably wrestling in the kitchen. I have a very strange life but it is punctuated by moments of the absurd and the joyful.

enough for tonight.

i'm tired.

Monday, May 02, 2011


2 posts ago: grades good, mood lousy.
6 months later: grades lousy, mood bad (but better than 2 months ago).

if i didn't have all my pets i'd think seriously about killing myself. but i couldn't leave carbon or the birds. so i'm stuck here.

my grades suck. my motivation sucks. i have drifted away from my friends. i've gained about 4-6 lbs from my lowest weight and need to get back down. I am filled with envy and hate (mild version?).

my soul is dirty and it is so sad.