Tuesday, October 12, 2010


or 89%. 3 exams, same grade on all three. I have 2-3 more exams in each class to bring that number up into the 90's but i'm just so frustrated. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this.

I'm going to see lizzi this afternoon and i'm going to talk to him about provigil or changing my meds cause i'm so depressed i can't get off the couch to do anything, i've even missed classes cause I just couldn't face leaving the house.

it makes me feel really hopeless to feel like i'm trying my hardest and coming up just short and I need to be better. But i don't have the energy to do it, i just want to get drunk and lie on the couch. I just want my brain to stop thinking and it hurts.

i hope seeing lizzi goes well. mom said i can go 2x / week if i need to but I really don't think i have time. I'm also so fucking greedy that i would rather go 1x and get the same amount of money as seeing lizzi if I complete a week of healthy eating and exercising and positive thinking.

hmmm. maybe if I had to really do a week of it. That might work. but we have no money. pop's not getting paid. grandpas in the hospital. Timmy's really depressed and thinking about suicide. I live in squalor and don't have the energy to clean and i feel like it's gotten to a pathological state. I just have so much to do that i don't do any of it and usually i feel like there are dual forces pushing and pulling me, i have nothing pushing me off the couch. nothing. i just want to lie there.

and then i'm scared that if when i got off the couch and went to class i got an 88%, what about now when I can barely make myself study? I am so afraid i'm going to fuck myself over for life, that i'm going to make a mistake I can't come back from and I just find myself feeling so fucking average.

i don't think it's reasonable that i could go to sleep at any time during the day (and would choose to sleep over doing anything else). I did nothing this weekend except lie on the couch and eat takeout and drink beer. I feel so fat, so lazy, so out of control. I keep trying to tell myself that I can take control, that i'm only out of control if i let myself be but it doesn't help. I'm sitting in class not taking notes b/c i'm annoyed by my parasit grade (though i did well on the practical) and i'm so tired i feel dizzy.

I am so worried about not being ready for the exam on monday. i need to start learning everything and i haven't even listened to everything. my fingers and hands are still so sore I can't face starting a new set of notebooks for my outlines. but I need to. I just feel overwhelmed and hopeless. and sleepy.

pretty much the only thing i like is sleeping, preferably preceded by xs beer.