Tuesday, November 23, 2010


i wonder why the phrase that runs though my head is "seriously, why don't I just go kill myself and die?"

i would not kill myself. ever. because i have pets that I love that need me. so don't calls social services.

but why is this the thought that surfaces in my mind when I am thinking of nothing?


Friday, November 19, 2010

so how f*cked up is this

grandpa died.
november 1st, around 3:15pm.

nothing else seems to matter and the fuck shit of it all is that i'm so depressed I can't leave the house but I got better grades on my exams this go round than last time.

91.5 on parasit (i started learning the material 48 hrs before the exam, the day after grandpa's funeral). last time was 89.5

micro: class average 81%. I got a 95%. last time: 88%. 95% is awesome. again, started learning the material 48 hrs before the exam

i think i didn't do so well on the third path exam but i picked up my second path exam today -- 259/260. I actually said "holy shit" out loud in the secretary's office.

so that's it. I'm so depressed I can barely leave the house but i do one thing, i will study and i like to think that grandpa would be so proud of me for doing that. He kept saying that he didn't want us to be be crying, that everything was ok. To which we replied "grandpa, we're not crying for you, we're crying because we're going to miss you so much."

i just can't believe he's dead.

i'm clinging to life here but a thread, i'm so sad and hopeless I don't know what to do. but i'll study tomorrow. I'll do my best to get an A in parasit. I have to do well on these exams (i have like a 91% in the class right now).

i just feel so lost and alone. I have great friends who keep offering to help me but I don't know how to ask for help. all i do is cry and i don't know how to ask someone to be there while i do that. so instead it's me and carbon and the cats.

my apartment is a disaster. I'm hemorrhaging money. I want to cut myself into pieces and beat the shit out of myself. I hate every part of me. I am so filled with self loathing and sadness and fear I don't know how I string two words together.

but i'll keep going.
i'l get through this semester

i keep thinking about church and the bible as a way to be closer to grandpa. I like to think, to know, that he is up there, somewhere, with grandma, watching everything. and that, perhaps, in death, time becomes irrelevant. That understanding is a part of the heavenly package and that grandpa can understand me completely, without 70 years of life standing between us.

i like to think that. I think i'm a lot like grandma and I know grandpa loved grandma so much even though she was moody and stubborn. I feel like i've forgotten her. I can only remember moments - smelling her perfume, talking about wearing stockings to sunday school.

is this how is goes? right now grandpa is so clear in my mind i forgot he was dead on monday and thought i was going out to dinner with him. It fades, the clarity, the painful realism. I know these things.

but God, i'm struggling so much here. just give me the strength to make it through this semester. and if I could actually do well grade wise it would make me feel worthy, like i'm not such a fucking piece of shit who spends money and drains mom and pop and has had all the chances in the world and I still take a razor to myself because I want to cut myself and see me bleed.

i found this psalm in mom's mini bible sitting next to the computer when i was typing and i think it is perfect for me right now.

psalm 69

For the waters have come up to my neck.

I sink in deep mire,

where there is no foothold;

I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.

I am weary with crying; my throat is parched.

My eyes grown dim with waiting for my God


with your faithful help rescue me from sinking in the mire;

let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.

Do not let the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up,

or the Pit close its mouth over me.


but I am lonely and in pain;

let your salvation, O God, protect me.

~ ~ ~

Grandpa would be so happy I'm reading the bible.

I love him so much.

I can't believe he's dead.