Mug Half Full: September 2006

cuddles

the bun

Birdy eats healthy too!

the biggest birdy kabob in the world

morning!

A Plan

My Bedroom:

put away clothes
organize all the shit on the floor
vacuum
throw out trash

The Treadmill Room:

clean everything up
throw out trash
vacuum

The Office:

deal with clothes
select 2 boxes full of clothes to go home when mom comes
1 large closet box to go home
throw out trash
vacuum
organize clothes pile
sort dirty laundry

The Kitchen:

put away everything
take stock
maybe cook bean soup
sweep floor
clean kitten's litter box

The Bathroom:

scrub toilet, sink, bathtub
liquid plumr in the bathtub
throw out trash
organize stuff

The Hallway:

put away kitten's carrier etc
vacuum

Hey, was that you floating past the tree-line?
Hey, was that a feather in your hand?
No I don't mean to ask these questions
No I don't mean to rush your heart
I swear I saw this accidentally
No I don't mean to start

Hey, the rain falls straight into the sidewalk
Hey, the clouds hang heavy in the sky
But I don't want to still believe in
The gravity of solid ground
The world below is not so big
That it can keep us down

We are standing on the rooftops
We are circling like sparrows W
e are tiny, we are trembling,
Scared of everything
But the heart is still a red wing

Fly above the houses and the schoolyards
And fly until you cannot feel the Earth
No I don't mean that it's so easy
And I don't mean that it's so small
But the world below is not so mean
That it can make us fall

We are standing on the rooftops
We are circling like sparrows
We are tiny, we are trembling,
Scared of everything
But the heart is still a red wing

"Redwing"
HEM

this morning i caught bunny in my bed. i didn't let her pee in it although she did growl at me when i tried to put her down. i then cuddled with her for a while and i think she was grooming my blanket. she is such a silly bunny.

i walked last nihgt on the TM and it was nice, only 2 miles because i was going to take the night off. birdy and baby bird are playing. kitten slept with me last night by my feet. baby bird is playing with the baby plastic key toy. she is so silly.

Last night Baby Bird let me groom her head a little. it was very nice. i adore her. she is so silly.

We are standing on the rooftops
We are circling like sparrows
We are tiny, we are trembling,
Scared of everything
But the heart is still a red wing

Maxitude

Hair Dye: Salsa!

quandary of the day:

what the hell am i going to do with 30 cans of stewed tomatoes?

yesterday i went to selmers and interacted with the parrots for 1.5 hours. a couple came in who made me so angry. the guy had stupid ugly gold teeth and he looked like a hooligan. he kept sticking out his hand in front of the blue and gold macaw and then when the bird lunged he would pull it away. he did this about 30 times and the bird was clearly getting upset. i've been trying to hard to get that bird to trust my hand and not to lunge at it and here's this fucking asshole just being so ignorant. but i didn't say anything because i didn't feel like i had any power. once i go a few more times and then find a manager to talk to about socializing the birds then maybe i'll be confident enough to say : you know, you're doing this bird and his future owners a world of harm with your juvenile and idiotic behavior.

~ ~ ~

after the above section was written a b reak of 7 hrs past. i looked at the time on my computer and discovered it was 9:26 am. i apparently mis-set my alarm clock to be 1.5hrs back and had been pleasantly meandering through my morning unaware.

whatever. i went to work. i was all excited because today was southwest buffet and i was going with the people from lab. when i got in shane said he didn't think he would be able to go becuase he had work. i was upset but i knew dheeraj was still going. then dheeraj said he was too busy also :-( so i was really sad. i called aunt liz but she wasn't there. i was moping, listening to sad songs on my ipod and just getting used to the idea that we weren't going to the buffet. i had resigned myself to it when shane came over looking sheepish. he said that they were going to the buffet. i thought he was just humoring me so i said we didn't have to. at that point he looked more sheepish. turns out they were always planning on going to the buffet. shane and dheeraj carpool and on the way to work they planned a scheme in which they pretended they weren't going to the buffet to bust me. and i'm so damn gullible i totally fell for it! shane felt bad that I was so sad but it was pretty funny. and i'm amused they planned the whole thing!

so that was it. buffet was yummy although it was california buffet not southwest buffet. i spent 1/3 of my weekly budget on 3 CDs by HEM with plans to listen to them non-stop and clean my apartment this weekend. right now i'm listening to funnel cloud while the birds eat. i've head a headache all day so i may take a nap.

i'm awfully glad it's thursday.

a choice selection

we need to make some water

but we're all too tired to cry
so roll down your river till your river runs dry

'monoplain'
susan enan

i've started back on the prozac and for some reason this time i'm feeling very anxious. but i've only been on it 3 days so i'm going to give it a couple of weeks. a list of my current obsessive thoughts:

Nars Dolce Vita lipstick
two craft fairs
Lost Season 2
food
walking
what to make for the craft fairs
displays for the craft fairs
Harcum

my plan for the day:

start online app to Harcum
contact williams about my transcript
start/finish work early at work
Selmers to play with parrots?

i've been working a lot lately on calming myself, calming my thoughts. i had a new vision the other day--of myself as a guitar with the strings pulled taut butthen i realized that guitar strings are supposed to be taut and if they have no tension they cannot sing. so i'm not a guitar because i want peace and song. so then i started thinking about when you pull a piece of plastic (like a shopping bag) and it stretches and warps. perhaps that's what i'm like and i think i'm feeling anxiety but it's really just the warps left in the plastic.

whatever. i want to be peaceful, truly peaceful. confident, accepting, content.

for breakfast i made the birds frozen veggies (thawed: mixed veggies + peas, carrots, soybeans, edamame, grapes, green beans) and then pureed an apple, some yams and a carrot to make a sauce. i put the sauce on the thawed veggies and mixed it with a bit of baby bird formula. they seemed to like it.

tomorrow possibly i will go grocery shopping (i'm out of money for this week). i spent $25 at dollar tree buying wicker baskets and drying racks : wicker baskets for display at the craft fairs, the drying racks to build two large earring display racks.

i was thinking about driving home this saturday but i don't think i'm going to do that. i think i was having a little bit of manic-ness thinking that i needed my glass stones... so instaed i think i'll craft here. maybe go running, maybe play with parrots, maybe read on the roof if the weather is nice.

i must now shower. it has been too long since i bathed.

1000 words

bring on the wonder

i can't see the stars any more living here
let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear

bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

i fell through the cracks at the end of our street
let's go to the beach get the sand through our feet

bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

bring on the wonder
we got it all wrong
we pushed you down deep in our souls for too long

i don't have the time for a drink from the cup
let's rest for a while till our souls catch us up

bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

bring on the wonder
we got it all wrong
we pushed it down deep in our souls so hang on

bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

"bring on the wonder"
susan enan

i don't know where i am emotionally. most of the time i feel nothing, which is more or less what i try to feel. i went on an adventure today -- i drove to the chinese restaurant we usually get takeout from so i could buy 4 quarts of wonton soup and 25 packets of hot sauce. I had a fun time. i was driving back to the lab and said to myself "gee, that was exciting" and then all of a sudden i had a flash of being pulled in an inner tube behind alexa's motorboat in the st lawrence river--the feeling of a thrill so intense, so huge inside me i couldn't stop screaming and every inch of my being was simultaneously in that moment. in that moment, connected, ever muscle and nerve and my skin all working together to keep me upright and on the tube while i could see i was about to fly over the wake. it was incredible. sort of like sheer joy flavored with abject terror. perhaps that's the best kind.

so then i realized my adventure today, not super exciting. and that perhaps i need more real excitement in my life. but that will have to wait.

lately i've been stressing about moving home. but whatever. it is what it is and it is what it's gotta be. so let's leave it at that. i am worried about moving home because the chance of success relies on my being mature enough to act responsibly and stay sane. and that's hard on my soul only because i fear not being strong enough. i know everything will be ok if i am strong enough but i worry when i'm tired an alone that i'm not.

el bosserino is out of town for a whole week (hallelujah!) and i actually have some work to do which means i have motivation to come in, get started on my work and leave as soon as it's done in the afternoon. I like having motivation and working for a purpose.

my plan is to finish what i'm doing (it's 1:40 pm, i'll be done by 2:15 probably) and leave. i'll be home by 2:30 ish and i can play with the birds and stuff. maybe clean the apartment (eliz told me it's fetid. i kind of agree.) then leave at 4 pm and go to selmers pet land and play with the parrots for an hour. then go to petsmart and play with the kittens for an hour. then go home and play with my babies for a couple of hours and then watch TV (premiere of Heroes on NBC tonight at 9pm) and walk. i think it will be good. i am sure hoping.

i want to put together a collection of toys that i take to selmers with me to play with the birds. they have no toys and so the next time i'm at walmart i'm going to pick up the set of 3 baby toys i got for my birds (each only $0.96).

so that's the state of things. i try not to think too much about being lonely or alone because i can get myself worked up pretty easily. i try to keep my soul limber--to play, to seek joy, to be silly and to see the beauty around me. i love fall.

bring on the wonder
bring on the song
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.

being complacent vs. being content

Margaret emailed me and prompted some thinking about the above distinction. I'm going to repost most of my email because i'm lazy.

I hear what you're saying. I think you mistook my idea of complacence as contentment. I long to be content and I sort of think that's what you're describing. I think of complacence as me not doing my best because my half-assed is still pretty good. If that makes sense. I guess I want to be content with my life but I still want to do the best at it that I can, that doing my best is what I owe myself. But that said--doing my best now has to include joy. I was thinking today as i was driving to the wild animal hospital that i never knew what I wanted to be when i grew up. that when i was in seventh grade I said i wanted to be a neurosurgeon because i thought that was the hardest thing to be in teh world. and that that was what i was made for--the hardest thing ever.

i don't know if i ever thought about doing something that i loved, or gave myself the quiet in my mind to find out what it is that i do love. i think i'm finding it now. i'm struggling a lot with my budget and OCD. I spend all day thinking about things to go buy but then I don't. I feel sort of like an addict going though withdrawal. actually, that's exactly what I feel like. But i know it's really good for me. because i am never going to be content until i find that inside myself. nothing that i buy will ever fill me up.

i've been thinking too. i joined the facebook so i could see jonathan landsman's photographs and then i 'friended' a lot of people and then some from highschool and greece. it got me thinking about my life. how i thought i was 'over' high school by not being in contact with people and not thinking about it. but then i decided that was stupid, since I am who I am. I can't change the core and i shouldn't want to. I should love myself even though I know i'm crazy and annoying and obsessive and a host of other undesireables. because i wouldn't want to change the part of myself that makes me joey. Not for anything. and that's the most important thing i think.

but i want to be the best version of myself that I can be. that means that while i'm going to watch TV tonight I am going to walk on the TM for an hour. not to make myself a better person, but to be true to the best person that I can be. If that makes sense. I think you're right that i walk a fine line -- made finer by the fact that i've never been content. i don't know what it would feel like. i think i get glimpses of it sometimes, when all the voices in my head still and i just have the moment and the light and the air in my lungs. that's what i'm looking for--a life with purpose where i have moments inside me when everything is still.