Tuesday, October 31, 2006

intoxicated musings

i went to east buffet with aunt liz last night and had 1/2 a beer and a sex on the beach with dinner (since i wasn't driving). This was enough to make me a bit woozy while we cruised the mall after dinner. it left me just boozed up enough to be quiet and introspective. I realized in the mall that i still have a lot of lust for objects but that i am more consciously aware of it now. i don't let myself cruise by on the little lies i've told myself for so long (yes joey, buy that one pair of jeans and you'll look hot and never be self conscious again and this will make everything perfect.)

It's not that it's easy, it's that i'm learning to say 'no.' and that's a big step. Of course i'm struggling. it's just that i'm going to succeed.

Monday, October 30, 2006


i'm struggling. i feel like i go so long without shopping and then when i buy one thing it's like a damn bursts. i want nothing or i want everything. and now i want everything. i know it's a lie, it's not true, but i'm feeled with want like a fever. i bought some music and preordered TV on DVD from amazon this weekend and i spent too much money. i also bought more food this AM and so i am $30 overbudget for this week. to compensate for the music and tv-dvds i have a reduced ($90/week) budget for the next 4 weeks. i want 2 more CDs that i almost ordered but i said no to myself until my next budget week. but that will leave me only $40 until next thursday (if i spend $20 and take out the $30 i went over budget). It just makes me feel crazy and scared. it makes me want to give up.

i was thinking though, that this is the test. this is the part that makes or breaks me, not when the going is easy but now when i want to say "oh hell, give me the lie." I can do this. i was reading old blog entries and I am so much happier than i was. i was feeling hopeless this morning (hormonal) and it was like "only $40? what do i have to look forward to? I'm such a fake. such a loser." and then i remembered what I have to look forward to--my pets, crafting, christmas, the CDs and DVDs coming and most importantly--my future, vet tech school, meeting people, caring for animals, sorting out my life and -- quite possibly-- being happy.

so i can do it. i just gotta remember that. i can do it. and i shouldn't give up just because it's hard. and just because i make mistakes and slip up and do buy things and want things doesn't mean i'm a fake or a hypocrite. it just means that i'm struggling.

but boy am i. i just want so much from F.M.G. for christmas. to craft with. and so much music to listen to. it is hard because the line between art and obsession is fine. sometimes its invisible. and no one's saying 'no art.' but that can't justify things.

i just feel so lost and hungry and tired and i'm trying to keep myself on the straight and very very narrow path. i just gotta remember my future, that it's waiting, and I want to be ready. i want to be the right person for it. i just have to have faith in myself.

bunny nesting

max takes a bath!

max took a bath in his water bowl this morning!

kit and joey

we are TV buddies

the bun

so the bun helped herself to one of my stale butterscotch candies. first she escaped with it and then she chewed threw the wrapper, unwrapped it and hopped around chewing greedily!


a birdy beauty shot

birdy says "good morning"

Saturday, October 28, 2006

recent earrings

my wood 'donut' beads

the asian-looking ceramic beads

more beautiful wood.

the morning repast

yum yum

the kitchen

say it with my now:

"damn joey, it's just so clean!"

i rock.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


this was funny--bunny interupted kitten while kitten was going at it with the love puppy. it's a strange world i live in.

a favorite picture

i just love the crazed look of terror in his eye.

the bedroom



the tv room



the office

after (note the folding!)



cleaning: an action plan

  • put away dishes
  • sweep
  • scrub counter tops, stove top, sink and floor
  • move fridge back (bad bunny)


  • make bed
  • organize under bed
  • organize corner
  • throw out trash
  • vacuum


  • fold clothes
  • move birdy's cage
  • organize floor shit
  • throw out trash
  • donation clothes --> car
  • vacuum

Treadmill room:

  • organize shelf
  • put beads away
  • plastic beads organize
  • birdy toy stuff organize
  • organize closet
  • fold blankets
  • litter box away
  • vacuum
  • throw out trash

Step by Step:

I think i'm going to start in the birds room so the birds can come out and play with me. i'll take the first two full bags of clothes down stairs to the car and then go through the clothes in the closet to fill up a third bag full of clothes. i'm going to vacuum everything at the end so no worries about vacuuming yet. i'm going to go through my 'animal clothes' bin and my three other lounge bins. i'm going to condense some stuff i think but keep my exterior clothes bin. i'm going to go through the clothes on the floor and put together a dirty-laundry basket. i am also going to gather up all my underwear. i am considering a trip to the laundry mat this weekend but let's not push it... So after i do that stuff in the bird room i'm going to reevaluate the location of my various pet shit and condense that i think. i'm also going to fold my pants. i'm going to clean off my desk area.

On to my bed room : i'm going to bring the birds in with me to play while i clean i think. i'm going to make my bed and clean out the PJs bin. i'm going to go through the shelf in the corner and throw out a lot of it. i'm also going to throw out the RAS box and organize that corner. i need to organize under my bed.

On to the treadmill room: first thing: organize bird toy making stuff. condense. store in closet. organize wire mesh shelf and then out my beads away. throw out trash, organize, etc...

the vacuum the whole house.

enough visualizing for the time being. i gotta go do science.

on: cleaning

the bun in her playing hide out

my max

the bun says "what you lookin' at?"

I have to super duper clean my apartment tonight--my landlord is having it inspected tomorrow. i'm nervous but whatever. i'm going to clean it as best i can, put shit in closets, cold things etc... vacuum and scrub the hell out of it... no nap for me this afternoon. oh well.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I just got an email back from margaret that made me feel really good. i emailed her on monday after i went through my clothes when i was just so overwhelmed and swamped and hearing back from her made me feel really good.

i've been reading a ton of articles on 'frugal cooking' and i am thinking about making spanish rice for dinner for myself. i realize i've been eating instant pasta for dinner for 2 months, maybe more? can that possibly be right? so i wanted a sweet potato curry soup and spanish rice and i was going to clean out my freezer so i could store individual portions and eat that for the next week but then i started to get really anxious and worrying that i won't really eat what i make and that i shouldn't have all this instant pasta cause it's really expensive and prepackaged and then i knew i was so anxious that i would end up eating instant pasta anyway because it is a low stress meal for me...

so then i took some time out and stopped freaking my shit. I have nearly all the ingredients for spanish rice except: onion, green pepper and bacon (see recipe below):
  • Spanish Rice
    6 slices bacon,
  • diced2 onions
  • chopped1 green pepper
  • chopped1/4 teaspoon pepper
  • 1 tin mushrooms, drained
  • 2 cans canned tomatoes, drained
  • 2 cup "cooked" rice
  • 1 teaspoon salt

Cook bacon until crisp. Remove from pan (set aside), add onions, green pepper and mushrooms to frying pan, saute until tender. Add remaining ingredients and simmer gently until heated through. Place in casserole and sprinkle with the crisp bacon. Serves 6.

I've decided i don't want the mushrooms in it. the bacon sounds really good to me and i think the green pepper would be good for me to eat. i think i would make this rice and then also have black beans with it (since i have a ridiculous amount of canned black beans). I want a soup also but i could make some broth and add the rice and beans mixture to it if i wanted a soup. i'm not really limited i just start seeing all these options and it freaks me out and makes me retreat to what i know (instant pasta).

the other recipe would be a curry and sweet potato soup. i made something like that this past fall and it was really good. these would be two really different recipes so i could cook them both up and store single servings in my fridge and freezer. i just have to empty out my freezer first. i had a ton of frozen veggies in there for hte birds but i don't really need it all i realize. i feed them fresh stuff usually and i could just toss everything else in together.

so then i started worrying about whether i have enough single serving tupperware since i've been allocating it for alternative purposes (a lot of bead containers) and then i got so nervous again i started to give up. but i'm not going to give up. i have a bunch of quart size containers from ordering chinese food at work and i could store a few portions of food in them and then reheat at work (that's what i did with my canned goliath soup of two weeks ago).

so that's my thinking. margaret's email gave me hope and confidence again and i'm looking forward to calling her. i think i'll finish up another trashbag full of clothes tonight and take it to elwood tomorrow. i also want to get rid of a lot of my accumulated crap. i'm going to address the small shelf in my bedroom tonight i think. if i can stay awake.

i can do it. i feel it. i have these moments when i think i can see the future -- not in a psychic way or the details exactly -- but i have an idea, a sense that when i am sorted out i will be a different person, that the frenetic pace of my conversation and thoughts and emotions will still; not in a sense of stagnating but like a quiet pond and i will be peaceful inside. the thought nourishes me.

Monday, October 23, 2006

it's hard

it's really hard. i feel like everything in me is working against me, against what i want to want, against my future. so i'm trying really hard to stay motivated. really hard. and i'm going to keep trying. one day at a time. just gotta keep going i guess.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

On: Hypocrisy

I worry about hypocrisy because the ideals I am seeking to follow do not yet ring true with my desires. that is--i want to want fewer things. i want to differentiate need and want. but yesterday I spent $88 at walmart ($ 40 on beads; $28 on two sweaters, $8 on fabric for the craft show, $6 on parmesan cheese x 2) and i didn't need anything other than the fabric and 1 parmesan cheese (= $11). But i got the sweaters and the beads because i wanted them. and because i know that i find it much harder to walk a line of moderation than either extreme (excess or deprivation). Part of me wanted to put everything back and just leave but i didn't because i thought it was good that i was getting these things. and maybe it was. it's just so hard and i am trying to change my desires. that's harder than it sounds because i want things that aren't good for me. not in the long term at least. so i'm trying to change but it's hard. it's one second at a time, one choice, one failure, one step forward. i'm trying, i really am. i worry that i'll just run out of energy and stop trying, fall back on what feels easy and right even if i know it's hollow. it's just hard.

i'm gonna go take a nap and ruminate. put the birds to bed and maybe have some kitten snuggle time. figure my shit out and then i'll get up at 7 pm to watch AFV and clean the apartment....

baby bird's new play zone

i thought as i carried this upstairs "it's been a long time since you brought a stick home joey." then i thought "if anyone else said that, i might think it was sexual."

the bad bunny (2)

shortly after the above pictures were taken bunny turned around and bit me on the nose! Bad bunny!

the bad bunny in action (1)

the bad bunny sizes up her targets

fleeing the scene of the crime!!

checking out her access

feigning innocence...

Saturday, October 21, 2006


October 2006

October 2005

it did make me a little sad looking for a retrospective picture--a lot were of hampy and chill. but things change and i learn and it all has to get better cause i've decided that.

look closely in the october 2006 picture and finds 2 birds and one bunny

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I have been struggling lately with dissonance -- between myself and who i want to be. I see someone in my who can be happy and at peace but at the same time, who i am now is nearly antithetical to who i want to be. Does that mean that I need to get rid of everything that makes me me?

I am a creature of excess, of ebullience and frivolity and in that i am wonderful and annoying; occasionally joyful and more often than not melancholy. So i want to change my core. I want real satisfaction and that means changing my priorities. So how much of myself changes--if i change what i'm working for and find some peace will I change? Will i still be joey? Will the parts of myself that i like survive?

of course they should. THe parts of me that I like are hopefully not the codependent, narcissistic spendthrift consumer. But that is a part of me. A big part. I recall on the island when I was talking to margaret about something and I said that the way i always approach a problem is to buy supplies and make a kit and get ready to face it. she said she doesn't do that (the buying supplies part) and I realize that is an eminently reasonable position. I have been so intent on preparing a supply kit that I remove the most important functionality from the equation--myself, my ability, my drive. I don't need to go buy specific items for every occasion or problem. I am the queen of making do, i just don't. I need to give myself some credit.

On: Deserving

I was doing some thinking yesterday about a progression of drives that i read on some consumerism site and they included: I want (thus) I need (thus) I deserve. I think these things are related but are not causal. You generally want the things you need but don't need everything you want. Like squares and rectangles. However, Deserve is a different ball game. Who deserves anything? What do they deserve? who decides what you deserve? I was struggling with this last night.

i decided that 'deserve' is a different category than want or need. I came up with its pair last night--earn. To earn something is like deserving it but from an internal standpoint. I decided that want and need are internal things but deserve is in some way external. There is a fallacy that need (becomes want) somehow equals or in some way begets deserve. And that's not true. It's the 20th century motor company all over again (Atlas Shrugged) and it's a misinterpretation.

I think interaction is a contract with what i get being what I earn. That's how it should be at least. I deserve what I earn. What i earn is not related to what I want or need; it is my responsibility to make sure that what i earn is equivalent to what I need. If it's not i need to earn more or need less. wanting and deserving have no place in this balance.

I am trying to shape my own world view, to take from other viewpoints that which resonates with me and leave behind what I feel is not relevant (yet). I read something somewhere about the circuits in our brain that shape our emotional outlook are some of the last to mature, well into the 20's and that gives me hope--that I am pruning my own synapses through sheer will. I am going to change what I value because I have been allocating value in a way that fails to make me happy.

I was thinking last night about worry--i worry about money and things and running out of things and not having everything i want. THis is apparently a little OCD but more often than not it's a distraction. And i know that. the act of disguising what I am truly unahppy about from what I feel is so nefarious, so immediate that I don't realize it is happening until i take a step back and say outloud "i am not really worried about running out of butterscotch candies. I am worried about being alone forever."

because in all of my reprioritizing i don't think that pure ascetism is what I am seeking, certainly not emotional ascetism. Voluntary Simplicity is not hermit-dom and it would be a mistake to think i am creating simplicity by eliminating people in my life. that's a cowards lie. In fact, the greatest failing in my life as is, my greatest failing, is a failure to find people who fill my life with joy. I have coworkers who i care about a lot and friends who mean more to me than i can say without sounding cheesy but i still go home to a house filled only with pets. People are important and I am alone. I am lonely. I coined the term this time last year of 'alonely.' Heck, i probably didn't coin it. i'm sure it's been said before. but that's what I am. I'm alonely. and the hard thing is i don't think it will change until i change it. I need to go back to the world but i feel unprepared. I have been buying tools for change all year--lipgloss, clothes, exercise--but it's a lie. they're not tools, they're a costume and they don't change who i am.

So then it comes down to it again--do i want to change who i am? or am I already ok, i just need to change what I value. Because i am in conflict with myself. I am alone and occasionally unhappy and although I am happier and more peaceful now than I have been--it is not enough. I feel that i deserve more. But That is irrelevant. What I am going to do is earn better--earn friendships by being a good friend, earn peace and meaning by making it. I read something yesterday that meaning is not found, it is made. and i think that's true. the meaning of life isn't an inscription somewhere--it's what you create of your life by filling it with things that you value (and by things i don't mean possessions) and people that you care about and experiences that make the world a part of you and you a part of the world.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

On: Frugality

From "Recipe for Simplicity" by Linda Breen Pierce

1. Don’t let any material thing come into your home unless you absolutely love it and want to keep it until it is beyond repair. Too much stuff — it’s suffocating us. Purchasing, maintaining, insuring, storing and eventually disposing of our stuff sucks up our precious life energy.

I am struggling with the boundaries between frugality and nuttiness. In my attempts to be simple (over the last 24 hrs or so...) I find myself having a hard time with what is worth buying. It feels like i should have no possessions but that isn't right either--I am Homo Habilis--man with tools. Without things humans are rahter ill-suited for survival. But that pendulum has swung so far over that now we are more like Homo do-hickey-is -- man with lots of thing-a-mabobs. and that's not right either.

i'm not clarifying myself well, i'm not expressing what i'm feeling and that frustrates me. I have always had an easier time with absolutes than with intermediates. Unfortunately, life is seldom absolute. I can't just say no to clothing (well, not in mainstreem society and temperate climes) and i don't want to. I'm trying to discover utility. And it's beautiful but it's hard.

I have a thing about compartmentalizing. I've alluded to it before--the idea of putting things in boxes, of organizing my life. it has been a tantalizing but inaccurate image and i'm trying now to shatter it. the way to organize my life is not to have a pair of jeans for every occasion but to have a single pair of jeans and allow them the utility of being the right pair for every occasion. I am so good at distinguishing subtle difference that I fail to see the big picture (or for that matter, the damn point). I am triyng to return utility and function to my possessions. I am learning to separate need from want but at the same time, i don't think i should be trying to give up 'want' entirely.

beads and crafting are a tricky subject for me. i'll never have all the beads and although i have a tremendous amount now i always want more. i'm working with what i have and learning to not worry so much about running out but it's hard. I feel like 'just say no' is the attitude i've adopted with beading but at hte same time, crafting is such a creative expression for me that I think it is good to have in my life. I just need to have moderation. I've never been good at that. But i'm trying.

so that is some of my thinking for today. i'm railing against myself--my feelings that all possessions are in some way 'bad' and that instead of feeling that way how I should be feeling is a true enjoyment of my possessions. To own them and not be owned by them. To allow nothing so much power over me that it causes me distress but to take genuine pleasure in the articles of necessity and art; function and entertainment.

i think it is going to be hard but i think it is worth it. I am addicted to buying things, to creating meaning and importance by buying an object and annointing it with 'worthwhileness.' it's going to be hard to stop doing that. but one step at a time. i can see things changing. i feel it like the tides and the waves and the cold ocean breaking on the wet sand, october in long island, the bay and the geese flying south, the dusk coming earlier and the light when it is nearly dark. it all feels like awakening, and the season of the dry, the ending holds instead a great promise with no burden of immediacy.

I am feeling happy in a quiet way, like the twilight and a great sea of stars, the smell of fish on the wind and salt in the air and an expanse of bare land under the sky--the waiting and unbearable hope of it all.

my babies

Monday, October 16, 2006

kitten stole my muffin and my milk