i suspect that my hormones are fluctuating wildly because everything is making me want to cry. i feel like no one wants my help on anything at work (which is true because there isn't really anything going on) but i just feel so lonely and like such an annoying social failure.
it's funny because i'm excited about going to the island but it's sparking major anxiety in me--anxiety that people just tolerate me, that no one really wants me to come, that i shouldn't burden people with my presence. and insecurity is such a viscious cycle: no one wants to be around someone with such pathological insecurity that the very thing i fear--that my presence is a downer--will come to pass.
so most of the time i don't let myself mope about it. i am not allowed to fret because the boys from the lab had fun pizza and beer dinner on friday and i wasn't invited. that they go to parties at the main campus and that i am the only person who really just simmers in glorious isolation but in all fairness, it is a stew of my own making. i know that i seek out solitude but it is hard because i both turn down invitations and then am sad when they don't come.
right now i feel like i'm going to start crying and that is almost certainly the result of rampaging female hormones. who knows. who knows. i know that i'm happy in a way deep down that i haven't been, happy and hopeful but that right this instant i feel very weepy. me thinks it is all in my head.
although, when you get right down to it, isn't everything?
