D.A.A.S.

tired. inebriated. stressed. i got an 83% on my physics exam and holy fuck man, i knew that shit inside out and backwards. i was just so tired. i've been working 45-50 hr weeks the last two weeks and i'm spent. and i signed up for another shift at job 2 (or another 2 shifts...) so i'll be working at least 36 hrs / wk (plus school etc... plus life (?))) i'm so tired. and i can't face going to bed because i have one day off and themn back to my life. and it's good, good that i'm learnign, ma,ing money, but lord man, lord. it's ahrd sometimes (it's hard al the time). let me learn and be fruitful. and sleep. of course, sleep.

stasis

i am in stasis. good news: mom and I went furniture preview shopping today and --- we (almost) bought a couch. that is, we were in the van and couldn't carry the couch with us and biglots didn't off a purchase plan/hold option. so mom's going back tomorrow morning while i'm off spilling my guts to the shrinky dink.

so the good news: it's a georgous couch--boring color (in between beige and olive) but super soft and long enough to sleep on. and oh, it's $350 (the futon we had picked out at american signature furniture was $300). here's the link (i think) http://www.biglots.com/Furniture/item.aspx?cid=14&scid=47&iid=4101 there were three couches that i liked, with this being the best. and i'm posting this hoping that no one goes back and buys the next three couches before mom gets there at nine am. yeah, i know, i have issues.

other news: i love my loft bed at ikea. i like the expedit shelving better than the billy bookshelves (including the expedit desk option w/ lack shelves mounted on the wall). there are a ton of cute organizer thingies and i'm just feeling rather hopeful. even though i am then swamped with the wave of worthlessness/guilt/anxiety etc.....

so i'm trying to take it one day at a time. one day for buying the birds new cages/playstands. one day for a bed. one day for a dresser. etc.... my work schedule is changing which causes me anxiety but i think will be for the best. i'm working my balls off. which is hard, what with my not having balls.

carbon had a good poop tonight. tomorrow i get a couch. tings are looking up. next week is the penn conference. i plan to purchase much penn bling.

and then study. cause i'm so scared. so scared all the time. because i want to be so good. and if i'm not good enough (by the impossible standards i set) i don't know if i'll ever be happy. forget finding a boyfriend. that's real far away.

feeling guilty.

carbon has diarrhea and I feel so guilty. Also, I have been bad about cleaning out her cage at work and they just sent out an email about it and so i feel bad about that too. just feeling bad and inadequate (really, really guilty). I know back on the horse. No more pigs ears for carbon. another week of flagyl, bland diet. and I'll clean her cage every time. I was a shmuck for not doing it.

today was a schmuck day.