Tuesday, August 07, 2007

i really need to update more frequently

cause lord, this is barely an active blog any more.

it's funny. when i felt like i had nothing going on in my life i had a lot to write about. lots of pictures, lots of stories. now i actaully have a real life happening. the only thing really missing is people. I need friends. i miss my college friends. i miss my NY friends. I even miss my kind-of-new vet tech acquaintance-friends. because i spend so much time alone. not good, sould searching alone. sort of mind numbing alone. i took two naps today. i don't call them naps. i call them "relaxation induction sessions." I think it's kind of like hypnosis. i get in bed (despite not being tired) i control my adrenal cortex and brain wanderings to avoid unwanted diversions into anxiety provoking territory and manage to lull myself gently to sleep only 2 hours after initially waking.

but other than the missing people, life is pretty good. i need to get my diet/activity under control but i'm on the path. i just have to stay on the path. I have little goals again and i'm accomplishing them. I am going to test out of vet 101 and then take 6 courses next semester. i'll go on practicum at VHUP this january.

i was driving somewhere a week or so ago and i saw an add for the lotto. i moan all the time about not having enough money (this is all because there are about $10,000 worth of beads that i would like to have. i'm not kidding. ok, maybe $5,000). Still: more beads than i have money for right now (or any time in the near future, don't freak out mom). but still, i saw this sign and i though what would i don if i won 77 million dollars? I first rounded down to 50 million because of taxes. (i know taxes would probably take more. work with me here, it's a nice round number). my first thought would be to pay off my best friends debts so she'd be free and clear. then i'd pay mom and pop back for college (and vet tech and pay for vet school). I'd pay for john and william's college (etc...) and maybe give them $50,000 each to blow. Maybe i'd buy my own island (a really small one, maybe just with one tree, near Niagara) but probably not. that would blow a lot of my dough. I'd travel and i'd buy beads (all the nice ones from www.firemountaingems.com that i want--the faceted briolettes and rondelles, the ruby and emerald and saphire and tanzanite rondelles, the really beautiful beads. Then i'd also buy all the cheap bulk beads i want. i'd get all sterling findings (and lots of them) and some gold filled findings as well. I'd get all the glass beads i want--expensive 5mmx4mm faceted rondelles, czech druk beads of all sizes, mass quantities of the basic glass beads, chip beads, bulk stone beads. shell beads, wood beads, metal and bone beads. lots of beads. and findings. and clasps. and tools. i'd take some classes in metal working and silver smithing. i'd but my own tools for real silver work. i'd get all the seed beads i want from www.shipwreckbeads.com. it's a fairly detailed fantasy. I should probably move out of the house although i don't want anything too fancy--maybe something 1/2 hr away from here with a good back yard (at least 1 acre, maybe 2) but i will be living in philly for the next few years anyway (if i get in to penn grad school).

the point of my fantasy was not to have a little pleasure moment fantasizing about beads ( i do that all the time anyway). It was to say--with a few exceptions, i would keep my life the same. i would still want to be in vet tech school. i would still want to become a vet. i would still craft. i'd even still want to to craft shows (but maybe big fancy ones because i'd be working with fancy materials....)

i'm lonely. i had a dream a few weeks ago. there was a man in it (he was a conflation of grissom from CSI and a character from a book series i read) and i was a conflation of respective females (sarah sidle and Ayla from the book) and the man and i kissed and it was just so nice to have a whole person next to me, touching me. I cuddle my animals but i miss touch. i need people (specifically, a romantic male person) but for the time being, i'm just going to concentrate on working out, dressing well, bathing consistently and becoming a better person.

i have been working on controlling my feelings. Sometimes i start to get upset and i want to feel angry and then i say "who will this help? who will this hurt? What will be the results of my actions?" If it turns out that my being in a bad mood solves nothing and hurts no one except me (which is usually the case, and not just for me) then i make a real effort to snap out of it. i'm trying to shape my mind. i'm not trying hard enough yet, but i'm trying.

there was a book at the book store in huntington that i read the book jacket of a year ago but didn't buy because i had already picked out a shitton of books. The book was about a study in which mentally ill (emotionally unstable i think) patients (OCD, depressed, anxiety etc...) were taught congnitive re-thinking techniques and they changed their brain. on purpose, by controlling their thoughts, they physically rewired their brain. I'm using laymens slang talk but you and i (if you are a scientist-y type person) know that these terms are not a bad representation of neuronal architecture and remodeling.

by point (as i do tend to wander) is that if i stay focussed enough (and i will, i really will, i know i can) then i can change the way i think. i can avoid negative self hatred and doubt, avoid anxiety cycles, avoid false attribution.

i'm dealing with my own confidence. turns out i'm smart. i knew this. i know this. and everyone i talk to thinks i'm a shoe in for vet school. i know it's hard to get in. but i'm doing everything that i can. i really am busting my balls in school and working and learning and trying very very hard (my lowest grade last semester was a 97%). and yet my mom still doesn't think i'll get in. she just says she's "nervous." I'm working on the serenity part of the prayer--the courage to change the things i can, the serenity to accept the things i cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. there's no point in my worrying about vet school. the only thing i can do is to act now to do my best to make it happen. for me that means working (if i can) taking classes and rocking them, getting myself in better shape (so maybe when i'm on practicum i can snare me a man!)

i can do these things. $77 million would be nice but i'd still want to be learning. at some point i'd still have my hand up a cow's va-jay-jay, i'd still spend more time looking at poop then most people could ever imagine, and i'd still be able to identify more bodily fluids than most people know a body can hold.

that's just how it goes.

i have things to work out--bumps--but i am happy. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to start learning again.