overwhelmed

sometimes i just feel like there are so many things going on in my life that i run away from everything. that i can't deal with dotting my i's and crossing my t's and so instead i lie on the couch and watch tv. or fantasy bead shop. or buy scarves.

i've been really non-productive lately in terms of bettering my physical and emotional and mental self. i need to get on that.

in happier news, my apartment is the awesomest ever. my furniture is all built (except my kitchen island which will be easy) and it is so beautiful. my design aesthetic actually comes through and the furniture all matches. the touches i wanted are just right and i can feel myself living in this place and being happy. scary, i know. but i think it will be good.

so i have to get my butt in gear. deal with my fears about vet school, my fears about dating, my fears about everything. (i just almost spelled 'fears' 'feers' -- not the first two times i wrote it, only the third. weird, eh?)

so i'm gonna try. one day at a time. i was good today. time for bed. carbon has been passed out for 3 hours. mom and i went on a walk with her today and then picked up my site to store at walmart, drove into the city, built my hemnes drawers and my trellis bakers cart, unpacked the car and had yummy vietnamese rice stick for dinner. ryan came over and we watched BSG. tomorrow i'm gonna call bird paradise and see if they have the bird cages i want in stock. if they do i'm gonna go get them. if not, i'll see how quickly they can get them, see if they have them in other colors or see if i should order them online. since i'm ready to get the cages. and move the elliptical and kitten's condo. and start really moving in.

crazy.


unreal.

i'm terrified. but my stacks of index cards, binders, pens and colored pencils makes me confident. makes me know i'm ready. i'm gonna rock this shit, anxiety, insecurity, awkwardness be damned. there is inside of me a strong, decisive person and i think i'm moving toward being her, toward not doubting myself so much, toward knowing i can act without fear and not be ignorant.

i just have to keep moving forward. and for now, i suppose, that means going to bed.

life update

so my furniture is about 35% built. which is great, seeing as I didn't think anything would ever get built. hopefully next week ryan, mom john and i can bang out the last pieces or get everything at least almost done... if we do the tv unit, the bed, the drawers and the billy i wouldn't mind doing the two expedits in my bedroom...

boring, i know. I've ordered just about everything i think i'm gonna need but i'm just so anxious trying to plan for every contingency and trying to be so prepared for vet school. i talked with lizzi about this, since i more or less try to control that which i can control to an excess to compensate for being so scared about vet school.

i am hoping things will be better once school actually starts and i can be constructive instead of feeling all the time if i have the perfect wrought iron candelabra that my life will suddenly fall into perfect sense and everything will be peaceful and ok