i have all these ideas about putting things in boxes. it's a motif. i think it may be what drives me. i can't put it into words. it's a visceral desire to put everything into labelled boxes. i think it's like birdy chewing bark, kitten purring and hampey chewing everything in sight. but not a human sort of thing. just a joey thing. i can only cope with the world by making lists and then completing those lists. but i can't complete a list because as soon as the situation changes the relevant characteristics by which the list was created changes and the list is no longer valid. it becomes necessary to create a new list. and then work on that. until it is no longer valid. but maybe i just want to fill everything up. i need new medication.

bottoms up. it's been a rough ass week.  

what you lookin' at? 

birdy climbing from one branch to another 

kitten is my whole life and i can not imagine it without him. i can not imagine it at all 

hampey's favorite game: chewing stuff and pulling it into the cage 

mr. mousey wants a treat 

model girls 

birdy mid flight 

birdy gives me a kiss back 

i give birdy a kiss 

birdy in part of her expanded play area 

kitten near the play-area i made him 

does it count as drowning your sorrows if they can swim?

i took Chill too be euthanized last night. i was doing another internet search and i found an exotics/emergency animal hospital on L.I. and so i called them and they said to bring her in. they took one look at her and said she looked neurological and that i had made the right decision to bring her in to be put down. i said goodbye to her and they took her away to be euthanized. i looked at the itemized bill and saw that she was given valium before being euthanized to calm her. that made me feel good. they also said that neurological patients aren't generally in pain, they don't have any idea what's going on.

so it's been a rough week. right now i'm watching tv and drinking smirnoff lime that i bought this weekend when mom was here. i did a lot of work today and i really needed to rest my brain. it's been a harrowing few days.

so that's it.

my chinchilla is dying.

on sunday night i was cleaning her cage and noticed she was hopping really funny and was lethargic. i cleaned her cage and she just lay down in the corner. i did a lot of internet research on partial paralysis and lethargy and everything i found pointed to her having a very serious illness in which veterinary intervention would not change the inevitable outcome (death). so i made the decision to let her die at home (because i thought taking her to the vet would just be scary and pointless for her). She's still alive but barely. she hasn't moved from the corner in the cage. she just twitches and tries to move but she's mostly paralyzed it seems. I have no idea what happened to her. I read a bunch online and she doesn't have any 'common illness' symptoms so i think she has had some sort of catastrophic internal event.

i had to take kitten to the vet this morning for a follow up visit for his UTI so i decided since chill was still alive and it is almost unbearable watching her die so slowly i would take her. i called the vet and they told me they don't treat chinchillas. so i didn't take her. I think she's getting worse. I tried to give her some water this morning with a small syringe but she didn't want it.

i feel so terrible. I can't explain all of the emotions except that they are all bad.

at the vet they told me kitten has a heart murmur and i started to cry because i can't go on without kitten. he is everything to me. I went home after the vets and just stayed with kitten and birdy for about 45 minutes before coming back to work (i had to come back; i'd come in early to start my experiment and needed to finish it).

so i just feel so awful. i feel shaky all over, like i need to be home and have kitten in my arms. I need chill to stop suffering. i need something to take away what i'm feeling. i'm so sorry.

birdy plays hard to get 

kiss kiss 

morning with birdy 

pica

sometimes i want to eat plastic. or the smell of plastic. i want to eat that smell. like the inside of the gel box. i want it in me.

i feel emotionally unhinged. not sad, but like, i might be crazy.

i had a mini-golf date for this evening and i canceled because i had a headache and am so tired and just want to go home and sleep. now i know it's only 12:25 and i might feel better by 7 pm but i just want to go home and sleep. now i'm wracked (wracked!) with guilt and feel so bad. i can't handle it. this anxiety makes me feel like a crazy person, like i want to scream "it's my tim! it's my evening! i need it back!"

so i'm feeling bad that i canceled and worrying that i hurt his feelings and i'm like "seriously joey, chill the fuck out."

but on the other hand, i was cut off yesterday making my left turn home. i got a ticket at that light 6 months ago (or so) for driving in the center lane. now i watch people fuck me over at that intersection every day. the left turn arrow is so short that if you're not there you miss it and you have to wait for hte next light. so fine, i don't drive up the middle any more to get there. everyone else does but not me because i'm fucking damn perfect. but sometimes i get cut off by people making a right turn on my green arrow. not ok because there goes my only chance to make the left turn. they have the whole fucking light to do what they want. yesterday people from opposing traffic making left turns went all the way out into the intersection and stayed there, eventually making their left turn during my green arrow. i was incensed. i wanted to gut them. i thought about it on the way home: cutting them open with a screw driver and pulling out their pieces. i was so angry.

now, i won't kill anyone, don't worry. and i did try to talk myself down saying "what if mom cut someone off, would you want that person to gut her?" and obviously that upset me so i figured out the rules are different because people i love are good people and shouldn't be gutted but damn i get more pissed off every day at that intersection.

today i couldn't make the turn into work because 2 fucking schoolbusses were blocking the drive way. NOT OK. i wanted to glare at them but i felt bad because there were small children afoot and i didn't want them to think the world was an angry scary place. but why do people have to suck so much? why are other drivers ass holes. why do people suck so much?

equally important: why can I obsess over maybe hurting someone's feelings through my own (fairly justified) actions but at the same time feel such homicidal urges towards other people for seemingly minor traffic infractions? Why do people suck so much? why am i so angry? why do i get so freaked out about giving up my evenings?

i guess i'm also worried because i canceled and i am afraid i'll want to cancel again but i know i can't because i already did it once. it's just that when the time comes i tend to want to be at home asleep. what does that mean?

last night i was watching tv and kitten was over on his bed looking out into the night and then, when he was ready, he came and he walked over and jumped up on the bed and walked up my chest and placed his face right next to mine. he stretched out his arm so it was resting next to my chin. i pulled him up close to me so his face was nestled under my cheek and he slept there for the next 1/2 hour until i had to go to bed. i love him so damn much. he is the only thing in the world that gives me peace i think sometimes. holding him.

this is how angry i was. look! even birdy's afraid! 

i'm calmer now

dial down the terror status. my rage level is back to normal. i went for a 4 mile run which was horrible. my legs felt like lead. i could barely pick them up. but no bother. i ran for 2 miles and then ran/walked the following two including a section in which i believed i was lost in suburbia. i found my way back to work (no great joy there) and have been eating too many of my dunkin donut munchkins so i put them in the freezer and made myself soup.

i also 'borrowed' someone's pickles from the refrigerator... i was having this intense urge to drink all the pickle brine and determined that my sodium was low from having sweated out my intestines on my anger driven gung ho attempt this morning. well, the owner of said lusty brine was out of the office and i deemed this a medical emergency. i will replace their pickles in the future. for now i'm sating my pickle lust.

yum. pickle lust. sounds kinky, right?

i am so fucking pissed off.

so we're supposed to have these 'inhouse seminars' every other wednesday. the first and only one to happen so far was 4-5 weeks ago, i forget. we were supposed to have one today but apparently an email went out to more important people telling them it was canceled. no one informed us over here at g-lawn. i bought donut holes for people! i got dressed up. i was excited and now i'm so pissed off and sad i could punch a hole in the wall and then start to cry. fuck them all. i'm going running after i finish my coffee.

did i mention fuck them all?

so tired

i am. that is, tired.

I wanted to do a second run today so that i could do another 15 miles this week. maybe i'll go home and take a nap and think about it.

i brought chunky potato, steak and cheese soup to work as a treat for myself b/c i've been hungry lately. soup was icky--i ate the steak out of it and then tossed the rest. i had yoghurt (yo--activia is mad tasty. i like the prune and vanilla flavors so far. maybe i just like the taste of biffidus regularis?) and 75% ff cheese instead.... boo hoo

tomorrow is the 2nd meeting at this campus. i'm scanning (not labelling) so i think i'll run in the AM and then run again after the meeting. 2 outside? who knows. Or i'll run tonight (and nap when i go home). who knows. i have felt really good running lately and i don't want to lose it, i want to get better and better and better!!!!

i need to check the weather so i can plan my running for the rest of hte week. looks good except for saturday. mom and i will hike friday afternoon then, not sat AM. i still want sushi buffet on friday night though. it will be good post-hiking food, probably better than tasty delicious greasy food from new grand buffet. and a grand buffet it is.

run tomorrow AM: 30 minutes on TM? perhaps? then 4 mile loop from work?? I just plotted out the work on g-maps pedometer and it looks rather nice. 3.94 miles. rock on dude.

birdy and i being goones 

1 eye each 

do i look crazy to you? 

sleepy kitten 

YAY! kitten is feeling better 

i occasionally worry that I may be evil.

but if i worry about that, does that mean i'm not evil? or that I'm just not a psychopath. do you think that I value kindness so highly reflects my evil nature from deep within? or just my fear of my potential for evil? maybe i'm not evil.

I had to take kitten to the animal emergency room last night. I had noticed he was a little 'off' the last day or so but i'm so hyper aware of him that i wasn't sure i could trust myself. When i got home from volunteering (which was sad because we had to put a squirrel with a broken back to sleep and it made me cry) I took a nap and when I got up from the nap i noticed kitten kept going in his litter box and crying. in the cat world this behavior = urinary tract / bladder infection. So i collected some pee and there was blood in it so mom found me a 24 hr vet (she googled, i mapquested, she won) and I called and took kitten there. he was so scared and sad. he cried the whole way there from his cat carrier and i was so scared. he was such a good boy at the vet's office. he just sat on the table or lay in my arms. the vet diagnosed an ascending acute bladder infection and gave him a shot of ampicillin and a shot of some steroid for his inflamed bladder. She gave me a bottle of amoxicillin and kit and i were home by 9:30 pm. I was really upset by it because kitten is my whole life and i worry about him. i'm taking him back to a vet in a week or so to check on the progress of the antibiotics.

this morning i found kitten trying to pee in the corner of the playroom and in a laundry basked in the office and outside his litter box. i'm leaving work at 1:30 so i can go home and supervise him to make sure he isn't being bad. i know it's just that he feels sick and like he has to pee all the time but i need to be careful with him. whenever i caught him peeing i brought him to his litter box but he didn't seem to want to go in it. maybe it has bad memories for him now? maybe i should buy him a new litter box? I don't know. He took his amoxicillin this morning like a trooper (i squirted it into his mouth and he was such a good boy). I'm hoping he feels better by this evening because he'll have been on antibiotics for 24 hrs at that point. The vet also recommended a supplement to soothe his inflamed bladder so i'm gonna try to buy that at petsmart tonight if they carry it, get it from the vet if they don't. i just love him so much.

it was a rough weekend, all things considered. on the upside i fit into a pair of gap size six flare left weave pants and i look hot in them. i ran 3.4 miles on saturday bringing last weeks total somewhere a little above 15 miles. time to start again this week.

joey the bandit

this afternoon I was walking out of my apartment to go running and i wasn't thinking clearly and I locked myself out. as I stood there in abject panic and despair I decided I had 2 choices: use a neighbor's phone to call the cops or break into the house. I chose the latter. I constructed a jumping block of 2 benches and then shimmied up onto the roof. the hard part was the final climbing up onto the roof because there were no handholds. i survived.

you can call me "the bandit" 

mr. tiddles 

the miracle leap! 

part 2