Monday, April 30, 2007

take me anywhere

bright just like the stars above me
proud just like my mother planned it
short on all the things I don't want
I'm full of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
still, cause I don't want to move a thing
and that you fit right into me
and all the things I don't want they're full
of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere
and it goes, its like a come on come on to me
and it goes it's like a come on come on to me
you, you say you don't see any part of me
to love in all this mess and I know
you take the good and all the bad that comes with me

-tegan and sarah

posted from my new computer. with music playing in the background from my saved ipod. almost all my i's dotted and t's crossed. slowly. one step at a time. one step on the path.

i'm ready to make my index card now

I have a lot going on and at the same time, very little. i'm settling in here in PA. I've unpacked my beads. I've found a way to find craft shows. i'm all ready for vet tech school. now i just have to actually live it.

1. Crafting:
  • do shows
  • make money

2. Vet tech:

  • bike to school (practice, bike at bikeline now being resuscitated)
  • classes -- lot of study, etc, you can do this
  • don't fret

3. other:

  • cook veggies.
  • good breakfast, bring lunch to school
  • use pop's treadmill

Why am I doing this? Because I am worth it. becuase my body is fat and i want it to be lean and toned and trim and strong. because being in good shape is worth not eating this sun chip or toftee. I can say no to temptation and every time i do it will get easier. I can say yes to exercise and it will help me manage my stress. I have a great hair cut and cool jewelry. i just need to be fit and toned and i will be happy in my body. exercise and diet will help me manage my stress. I am on the path. I am walking it.

Friday, April 27, 2007

full and empty

I feel full and empty at the same time. I just found out that my friend from college has a site on myspace where he's posting songs he's written and sung ( . the songs rock. the one's i've listened to at least. it's just making me want to cry because i miss him and i miss the people who make my heart sing. i guess i'm lonely here. it's hard because i am not physically strong enough to move my furniture on my own. i need to start exercising. i need to get the bike fixed up. i made my first knotted necklace today. it went pretty well except that the string (silkon nymo thread #1, red) was tangled and i took it off the spool (all 100 yards of it) to get a necklace length and now it's all messed up.

i went over to harcum and it's hard because i keep comparing it to williams. and obviously it's now williams. and then i feel guilty for comparing it to williams and comparing myself to the students i see walking around and talking about tests and stuff. and i'm worried classes are going to be too easy for me and that's such an arrogant thing to say that then i feel guilty about that too. i'm having a lot of guilt. i want to just start learning. i looked at some of the text books in the bookstore and they are awesome. i mean, there's a lot of material and maybe i'm not required to learn all of it but i'm going to try. my plan for if stuff is too easy for me is to just make it harder for myself.

i have a craft show to prepare for. i have made nearly 100 rings in the last 24 hours including 10 sterling and crystal rings (with 24 gauge round dead soft sterling wire and czech glass beads).

I am lonely again in a weird way because i'm at home and i'm losing myself. i'm losing the joey from college or from L.I. and i'm feeling all these feelings like i'm 16 again. and i have to keep saying to myself : you're 24 years old. you can do this.

and the truth is, i keep doing it. i'm doing a great job cleaning the house, keeping up on the housework, unpacking, crafting, finding craft shows etc... but i can't do enough. i'm having a lot of anxiety. i have an appt with somerville tomorrow. maybe i'll end up with my own klonapin. who knows.

the prospect of going back to school has been exciting me for a long time and i think i'm feeling sad at how different harcum is going to be from williams. cause the truth is, i had my ass spoiled at williams--the campus, the facilities, the classes, the teachers, the students, the mountains... i lived in a slice of heaven for 4 years. and now i'm going to learn about animals. which is going to rock. but i'm not 18 any more. i'm 24 years old. i have to keep reminding myself that. i know that's not ancient. it's not even that grown up. but mom and pop have made such a soft place for me to fall that i worry i won't ever get up and walk the hard road on my own. i have to say "no, i'll do it" and it's hard because i think part of me is very lazy. and then i feel guilty about that. but it's really just being human--few people will seek out the hardest option available to them. i feel like i've been raised with so much support that i've never had to test my own legs. it's the opposite of being criticized and demeaned by my parents but the strange thing is, i have no confidence in my ability to do things. because i'm never made to do them on my own. i'm kicking myself out of the nest (which is a weird thing to say since i've just moved back into the nest). I just have to try so hard all the time to keep track of my thoughts and my emotions and not sulk or mope or worry. it's like i have a tape recorder in my head whenever i get upset saying "joey, you're 24 years old. deal with it."

and i think that's good. i think it's a good motto. it's good for me to be more grown up. a lot of the clothes i've given away are from my little-girl look (rainbow brite tees, pretty ponies, pokemon...) not necessarily because they didn't fit but because i'm older now. i'm older. i'm not in high school. i'm not in college (well, not really). I need to have confidence in my abilities as a whole human being, not just a bookworm. and i need to grow up. cause i'm never going to have a boyfriend if i still see myself as 15 years old. i'm 24 years old now. it's time to stand up and be counted.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

less drama...

...more heavy moving. i'm making progress moving everything around. right now i have a bunch of projects i need to get a move on:

Things I need to do: My Room

  • clean out my bureau
  • Clean out my closet
  • Dismantle shelving
  • Bird cages—outside and clean then store in the attic

Things I need to do: Basement

  • Pack up second shelf’s worth of books
  • Move old shelving
  • Set up new heavy duty shelving
  • Carry down bead boxes (f) to the basement and set up there
  • Set up 2 shelves in living room
  • Open up bead boxes? Set everything up? I need to remember that one of the shelves (the one currently in the playroom) has a weak shelf—it’s missing a support strut so nothing heavy can go on it. Maybe I’ll put my embroidery floss etc… on that shelf

Things I need to do: other

  • Start carrying up my cinder blocks (store in willy’s room for the time being)

so far: 4 blocks to willy's room.

i went to A.C. Moore today and bought some materials for crafting--needles and 7 mm split rings, split ring pliers etc... i made a really cool bracelet with 25 mm hammered round split rings that i ordered with the intention of making earrings but the bracelet it pretty cool.

i have been making a lot of rings. i'm get proficient with 20, 22 and 24 gauge wire, with stones from the diameter from 4 - 10 mm. i'm having a good time. i have to order some display stuff and ring stuff soon, i'm just nervous about making the purchase (the fantasy is so much fun). and the having no money. i need to sell some stuff. a lot of stuff really. but i have to make it too. i have to make some of the chip necklaces i want to make.

over and out dudes.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

more sighs

so i was actually happy because i've been in the basement going through old notebooks of mine (from when i was 10 or so). I wanted to transcribe a few of the thirngs i wrote into my blog but i had to wait 15 minutes for mom to get off the computer and when she finally did she told me this was "her space" and she gets "freaky" when people are in "her space." well fine, but it's the only fucking working computer in the house and so i told her i need to get mine set up in the dining room and she just gives me a song and dance about "well, i don't know..blah blah blaah." this is just so hard and i'm trying so hard. i just can't do enough. i'm in the basement knocking myself out and mom can't even give me a fucking break. i just feel so trapped. there's no where i can go. i have no money. i have no space. i have no computer. i know this will change. i know everyone out there is thinking "i told you so" (about moving home) and i know, i knew it would be like this. i knew it would be hard. i truly believe in about a month everything will be sorted out. but i can't vent to mom. i can't go to somerville (after 10 years of telling me to go see somerville i finally tell mom i'd like to start seeing her and mom's like we'll see, it's pretty expensive).

so fine. i need to talk about this. this is really hard for me. i just feel like i'm going to throw up all the time. i can deal with it. i'm working really hard to clean out the basement and the attic so i can begin to unpack etc... and make room for my room the way i want it. it's just so hard because right when i feel like i'm on an even keel mom or pop does something that just makes me want to shoot myself. i have no peace here. and yeah, mom's on vacation. when she's working she won't be around as much. but it's just what i worried would happen. she's not interested in spending any "quality" time with me actually doing things. she just likes having me around, she doesn't actually want to do anything with me. and pop keeps saying "oh, i'm so glad you're home." which really means "cause i'm sure as hell not going to drive to LI to visit you." (he came once).

so i'm upset. i'll be fine. i'll deal with it (what the hell other choice do i have?) i'm excited about classes starting (really excited). but i need to get biking worked out. i need to get a new hard drive from microcenter and have them set it up. i need a desk (i asked pop for his unused one and he said no.) my desk died in the move. so that's it. i'll transcribe some of the funny stuff later. but right now i'm upset and just want to keep working. like that will change anything..

here is a story i wrote when i was in first grade:

i wish i was dead
by joanna lloyd

katey was a girl. she lived with her grandma. sence her grandma was to old to work katey had to do all the work. when she had to do the work she would say "i wish i was dead." "don't say that" "what if your wish came true one day. and it did. Katey came down with a bad cold! she dieded.

Lovely, isn't it? i have tried to keep the spelling and punctuation accurate but i can't evoke quite the wonderful first grade handwriting and illustrations (limited).

so much changes, so much stays the same


so mom and i went to the basement. it felt like every time i made a suggestion she shot it down. and she was like "i need space down here too." I understand that i'm moving in on her territory. i'm 24. i just feel so guilty living at home. i feel like there's nothing i can do to atone for it. and she and pop keep saying "oh we're so happy you're home" but they do act like i'm an imposition. on their routine. is the point for the routine to stay exactly the same? becuase if that's the case, i need some space of my own. i want my desk in the dining room and my back up beads in the basement and my room cleaned out. if i can have that i can be out of their hair.

it's just hard. i have so much school stuff to clean out in the basement and i don't really want to throw out my school work. i can throw out some of it but some of it i should keep and i have to go through it to know which is which.

similarly, there is a lot of shit down there. real, stank ass shit. like, purple star pillows that say 'princess' on them. i need to waste that shit, man. it needs to be gone.

and then there are all the books of my childhood. i'm planning on packing them up into boxes and then storing them...where? in the attic? mom more or less said the storage space (in the basement) is full and i'm pretty sure she's not open to reevaluating the storage system under the stairs. maybe i'm thinking too far ahead and i should concentrate on what's right in front of me.

i just feel like i'm trying so hard and i don't know how long i can try this hard and then i'm going to slip up and get in trouble and i just feel like i'm walking on egg shells all the time. i'm afraid to do anything without checking with mom first because this is her house. i miss my apartment so much.

mom is so eager to set boundaries that she just says flat out "this is my relax time. go away." fine, i get it, this is your relax time. but it's clearly not working because all she does is complain to me about how anxious she is. i'm doing everything in my power to make this work (and lord knows i've only been home three days). I just can't wait for classes to start and for me to have a life that's not just organizing the basement and the attic.

mom is ready for me again.


so i'm home. it's hard. i feel like i'm trying so hard not to inconvenience anyone and no one cares what i'm going through. i know, that's so selfish, so self-absorbed. i just don't know where i fit at home and mom is so eager to set boundaries that most of the time she's almost rude to me. things like: ok, the morning is her relax time. i immediately get off the computer. and apparently we can't talk during that time. i understand that i'm intruding on her routine but is the way this is going to work that she and pop just keep doing whatever they're doing and I fit into the background? because this is hard for me to. i'm coming from a place where i didn't have to answer to anyone, no one told me i was doing things wrong. now i'm afraid to put groceries in the refrigerator because i know the first thing out of mom's mouth will be "why did you do it that way? do it this way."

i'm really trying hard. and i know this is going to be ok. i just feel really lost right now. my stuff is all piled up in the garage and living room and i'm working to clean out the attic and basement so we can move old stuff up to the attic, really old stuff into the basement....

mom just said she's ready to go downstairs so i'm dropping this for a while. i just feel so sad and so alone here. not even peaceful alone. alone like i'm trying not to be seen.,

Friday, April 20, 2007

i'm alive!

and safely home in PA. i'll be back up in NY on monday probably to turn in the keys to my appartment etc...

crazy ass moving job. mom and i got the uhaul a day early (wednesday) and loaded it almost all up. on thursday my friend from work came and helped us finish up. we then dropped him off at work (11:30 am), caravaned to my aunt's house, dropped off my car in the safety of her driveway, drove back to my apartment, cleaned the bazonkazonks out of that house and hit the road circa 1:00 pm. we couldn't drive back the normal route because it involved parkways and no u-haul on the parkway. so i drove the van, mom drove the uhaul, we all held our breath a lot and then we made it the edison stop on the NJTP and ate junk food and celebrated being still alive after the bronx-queens expressway (under construction no less).

so we arrived home circa 5 pm. mom and I then totally unloaded the uhaul and mom and pop returned the uhaul to its new home in PA. This morning mom and i worked in the attic and then took 8 trashbags of clothes to good will. i then came home and unloaded the van and the truck of all remaining possessions. I then slept for a few hours. i got up and then worked in the basement. i've produced another 6 bags of clothes for good will. then i went for a short run. now i'm sitting here updating my blog.

i can't organize my room and have my clothes and my beads and my bird zone etc... until the puzzle pieces are put together. first we clean out the attic. we then clean out the basement. stuff we keep from the basement moves to the attic. stuff i want to store locally moves to the basement (hopefully my crafting stuff). eventually my room is clean and ready to house my lofted twin bed, two birds one bunny (one mouse) one big tv and my clothes/jewelry/PC items. I have plans for where the two bird play zones will be. i think i'm going to have a desk in the dining room downstairs so i can work downstairs. i don't want to work in my bedroom, i have enough sleep issues already.

so now i've been plotting bike routes to harcum because i'm afraid of riding my bike on busy streets... i know , grow up joey, but seriously, brains are so fragile even in skulls and i can afford to fuck mine up. not that anyone can afford to. but i've got pets to take care of, and things to learn!

so i've mapped a couple of pseudo-back roads options that are about 3.5 miles instead of 3 miles but i think they'll be a lot more fun to bike. i can't vouch for the hill situation. i have at least one big ass hill to get up (right at the beginning too) but i'm going to have to start 'training' soon so i'm fit enough to bike to classes starting... may 16th!!!!!

so that's it.
i'm home, i'm alive, my shit is in progress.
but i'm ok.
the day has come and it's all still good.
i feel weird not being in NY.
i miss my friends and my apartment and my junkfood (i'm back on seriousity).
but i'll deal with it.

this is the beginning of my new life!!!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

on: moving and moving on

i've just said good bye so many times in the last few years.

today was my last day at work (although i'm going in next week to finish cleaning out my cubicle). it was really hard, as hard as i thought it would be. i'm dealing with it through a solid stream of denial. that is, i'm just not dealing with it. i'm gonna miss these people so much. i open my heart up to people--it may take a while but the truth is, i get attached and it's so hard. i put down roots and to tear those up is really hard. i'm going to miss patricia so much and watching adam grow up and seeing her get pregnant again, all of it. i'm going to miss mary and abhi and frolicking and eating chaat. i'm going to miss joking around with the post docs. i'm not going to miss scanning 40 slides in a day or purifying 8 plates of PCR or the assorted mechanical and chemical failures that seem to plague our lab. but i'm going to miss my friends.

i'm a going to miss them a lot. i'm trying hard not to cry right now. because crying isn't going to change anything. my life is changing and its changing in a good way and i'm ready to rock this shit. i'm ready, but it is hard to say good bye to people you care about. because i'm going to miss going into work every morning and seeing these people. i like routines. i am in a scary place right now because i'm between routines.

but it will be ok. i think it will even be good.

when the road gets dark
you can no longer see
just let my love throw a spark, baby
have a little faith in my

when the tears that you cry

are all you can believe

just give these loving arms a try, baby

have a little faith in me

When your backs against the wall

Just turn around, you will see

I will catch ya,

I will catch your fall

Just have a little faith in me


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

what a huge f****** let down

ok. so i got myself all crazy worked into a tizzy about this damn episode of House and it was a huge let down. ok, first diagnosis: bacterial meningitis. deadly, scary yes. but not scary to me. and certainly not relevant to singapore (i feel that hte international location and asian man relaly implied a certain degree of exoticism to the illness). 2nd diagnosis (first was wrong): conversion disorder: no one on the plane was really sick, they were just freaking out. great! that's what i had too, a freaking conversion disorder. third diagnosis (for sick man): drug mule, burst condom with cocaine in his belly. final (correct diagnosis) dumbass went scuba diving the day before flying, surfaced too quickly and suffered decompression sickness in the cabin which was pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level.

so holy fuck, i've been freaking out for a week for nothing. nothing. really, it wasn't even contagious. i even had a couple of beers to calm my nerves before watching the show. and called abhi every 5 minutes to talk about it. and damn! it wasn't bad at all.

stupid everything.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

hi. my name is joey ***** and i like infectious diseases

thanks to gavin for that. i apparently introduced myself to him freshman year that way.

talking things out.

ok. so i wanted to talk about this with someone but i realized it's sort of selfish to ask someone to listen to my obsessive ramblings without paying them for it. here goes:

on tonight's episode of House (on fox, airs 9:00 pm EST) the preview shows House and Cuddy (his female boss) returning on a flight from singapore. the episode synopsis from reads

"When a man next to House on a flight from Singapore to the United States becomes violently ill, Cuddy suspects he has a deadly contagious virus."

i just found an even more detailed account but first i'm going to share my thoughts from the preview. the preview has the guy next to house getting sick. i believe it is a vomiting disease because there is a scene with house and a female passenger where house says "look over there" (pointing away from himself) and the girl says "why" and house says "because you
re about to vomit".

So i'm thinking vomiting disease. I'm actually thinking e***a because of the damn h** z*** scene with the guy with M****** on the damn plane (i'm not typing the words that scare me. think of it as a fun game). but then, if it is a vomiting disease, it shouldn't be easily transmissible through the air. i know that's a generalization and the e****a reston variant was airborne but still....

also, although a long flight from singapore is probably many hours, for other passengers to not only become infected but to become actively ill--that's a really short incubation period.

another part from the preview: house says "we have to perform surgery" and i just can't think of a good reason to perform surgery on an infectious patient. i can try to think of things that would require surgery to fix them but if the vomiting = hemorrhagic fever of any sort (filovirus/other .... i know there are some funky south american emerging ones andi don't know everything. although you say singapore, i think asia (i could be wrong, my geography is real shoddy) and you think bird flu. but bird flu doesn't mean vomitting). so back to the surgery. surgery to : relieve pressure on the heart? lungs? bad idea with a hemorrhagic disease. anything bad in the respiratory would cause pulmonary edema i think and or drowing in your own mucus, not something you can fix with surgery. so what are they doing? what are they removing? or what? i just don't know.

i just did a google search for "hemorrhagic fever singapore" and got back dengue aka :singapore hemorrhagic fever. but dengue is mosquito borne and has a much longer incubation period (see

so what then? what disease fits all these problems? what is it! and i think cuddy gets sick too. and that scares me. it really has me thinking food poisoning because that would explain the apparent contagion (not airborne, food borne, vomit etc...) and maybe even the surgery (something burst? i just don't know). i guess i don't really know much medicine. but still, i have given this a lot of thought. because if you know me (or know how my seventh grade birthday party turned out and the fact that i still can't watch o******k with dustin hoffman and rene russo and that the idea of a pet monkey has been spoiled forever for me...) you'll know i'm sickly (no pun intended) drawn to these things. hopelessly , obsessively, drawn to the study of disease and contagious disease and plagues but then they scare the shit out of me. more like the sleep out of me. it's not just disease but it is primarily disease. i call it the 'us-them' principle with a sort of contagion (disease, evil spirit, alien possession etc... ) i accidentally saw the episode from season 2 of the x-files "firewalker" when i was in sixth grade (how do you accidentally see it? i thought it was the rockford files). i couldn't sleep for months without talking through the whole episode with mom. poor mom. poor, patient mom.

so anyways, i'm concerned about the effect of watching this episode on my sanity tonight. i do avoid cheesy plague movies and pandemic movies and i handled (am handling) the H5N1 issue pretty well (although i do occasionally like that i live alone so i could barricade people outside of my apartment and subsist on beads and stewed tomatoes until it's safe...)

regardless. here is the more detailed synopsis from msn:

"House (Hugh Laurie) and Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) board a flight back to the States after speaking at an international medical conference in Singapore; shortly after takeoff, the passenger sitting next to House becomes violently ill. House brushes it off as a hangover, but Cuddy worries that the man is contagious. Naturally, House disagrees and convinces the plane's crew to stay in the air. Things go from bad to worse, however, when a second passenger becomes ill with similar symptoms -- and House is forced to use a motley crew of fellow travelers as his "team." Back at home, Wilson (Robert Sean Leonard) leads House's posse when a middle-aged woman (guest star Jenny O'Hara) comes in with mysterious seizures."

i'm worried about myself. i can't decide if i should have a beer to make me relaxed or if i need my wits about me. i may have too many wits. far, far too many wits.

Friday, April 06, 2007

i'm ok

i'm feeling a little better. i think some of why i'm so upset is because i am leaving my job and having no money and relying on mom and pop for vet tech school and that is scary and guilt-inducing for me. but i am doing ok. i will be ok. everything will be ok, one way or another.

happier news: i have my schedule for vet tech school, summer semester!

  • Vet 109: anatomy: only meets for the first 5 of the 10 week semester

  • Vet 235: Lab animal science

  • Vet 225: Medicine
  • Vet 117: parasitology (I)

on tuesdays for the first 5 weeks of the semester there is a lab conflict between parasitology (I) and anatomy but the coordinator told me that we would work out an independent arrangement. which is cool with me. it's all cool with me.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

how do you deal with self hatred

you deal with it.
you take what you can from the experience. and you change what you must about yourself.
i need to step up to the plate in my own life.
i need to accept the help from my parents but not take advantage of the cushion they provide me when i fall.
i need to accept that i will fall.
i need to get up again.
i need to do the best i can at what i choose to do.
i need to start exercising again.
i need to start eating right.
i need to make some money before embarking on more crafting projects.
i need to purify myself--my body, my mind.
i need to be strong.
i need to be clean.
i can do these things and i need to believe that i can do them.
i need to be gentle with my soul, but not so gentle that i go soft.
i need to be strong.
i need to remember what i can do. what i can't. i need to learn from my mistakes. i need to let time pass to show that i've learned.

i can do things.
i am not a bad person.
i am not perfect.
i am really, really not perfect.

i need to do my best and when my best is not good enough, when i fuck up and fail, i need to still know that i'm not totally worthless.

i made a mistake.

i made a costly mistake.

i am so damn lucky to have parents that can let my mistake be a learning lesson and not a total tragedy.

i am damn lucky.

i need to do what i can to earn what i've been given.

that means:

rock my courses at Harcum.
keep the house/joey's room/kitchen/pets clean. really really clean.
i need to bike to classes
i need to exercise
i need to cook healthy food
i need to get my no good lazy ass off the futon and live in my body again
i need to live in the blood in my muscles, the stretch of my tendons and ligaments.
i need to breathe and be strong.

i need to do these things because i can do them. i can do them if i am strong enough to make myself. and i need to be strong enough. because i am strong enough.

i have ideas. i can use them. they shouldn't use me.
i have a future ahead of me and the only thing in it that i can control is myself. is me. is my actions. so act wisely.

wisely. i'm 24 years old. that's not that old but it's not that young either. i'm a lot smarter than i was 6 years ago (when i crossed the adult-hood threshold) and that's because i've made a whole lot of mistakes.

I have learned from them.

things i have learned:
do not drink 13 drinks in 1.5 hrs. this will end badly. really really badly.
do not mix lots of alcohol and other unnamed illicit substances. this will end even worse.
don't lie to yourself that a relationship can be casual and you won't be hurt.
don't fall in love with someone who's in love with someone else.
don't make so many plans.
don't stick with a plan if it doesn't make you happy.
don't forget you're supposed to be happy. if you're not, something needs to change. you need to change it.

i need to be the person i can be. the strong, beautiful, fun creative person. not the lump i am currently imitating.

i am strong.

something really bad happened

my hard drive at home failed. my hard drive. my computer. all my pictures of my babies, greece, my family, everything. I talked to the geek squad at best buy and they said what had failed (my RAID array) was difficult to get data from and they would have to send it out. mom found a data recovery service in NYC and i talked to them. a courier arrived this morning to pick up my hard drive (still in the box, i didn't want to fuck around with anything) and my computer is off to NYC for data recovery.

i'm really upset. it's going to cost a holy fuck ton of money ($250 for the estimate, probably about $2000 for the data recovery). and that's just so much money. and here i am with no important documents (like, financial documents etc...) just my pictures. but my pictures are priceless. priceless to me. i love them so much. but here I am asking mom and pop to pay for my priceless pictures because i'm a big dumb ass. a big fucking dumb ass. on monday my computer told me a back up hard drive had failed but that it was working ok so i was going to go buy an external hard drive and back everything up. but i didn't go monday night because i was tired and i wanted to see my puppies and i thought everything was ok.

well, it wasn't. and now i'm fucked. not fucked forever because mom and pop are bailing me out and saving my ass and getting back my pictures (hopefully, fingers crossed). They should be able to get my pictures back because i didn't fuck around with the computer.

i told people at work and they can't get over the $2000 thing. and i can't either. you can buy a whole new computer for that money. you can't buy the last three years of my life in pictures though. and i guess this is it. this is me being spoiled. those pictures are priceless to me. actually priceless. they are the memories of my puppies, of squirrely, the video of my puppies when they were little. my apartment, my trip to greece with willy. they are my whole life. i don't want to let them go.

so i'm not. the comptuer is on its way to NYC. and i'm overwhelmed with guilt. yes, yes, i have learned my lesson about backing things up. i'll back everything up to an external drive in the future. but damn, i just hate myself right now. i want to hurt myself to make up for being such a shitty ass person. so fucking dumn. worthless. i'm so mad at myself. and i'm supposed to be at work working and shit and i just want to go beat myself up and say how sorry i am to mom and pop for needing to be bailed out.

i am spoiled. will i ever not be spoiled? I'm so fucking worthless.

Monday, April 02, 2007


kitten misses everyone.

he is filling the hole in his heart with some extra love puppy time.

bracelets i made this evening!

excitement for the day

so far today the office has been evacuated (suspected gas leak... again) and we discovered a mouse infestation (complete with a real my drawer!) It's been really funny. i'm having a good day. i am wondering what other sort of excitement will befall us in the coming hours.

mom says this birds are ok. i miss them a lot. i got up this morning and didn't know what to do with myself. i went over to ballybung and had breakfast with my aunt before my exit interview with human resources. now i'm back to g-lawn where the evacuation and infestation have kept the day fun.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

some bracelets

gemstone and wood; i haven't put the clasps on yet

my apartment

de-animalized. i'm pretty sad. but i have to remember: it's only for 2 weeks. and then i move home. and my adventure continues. and it's going to work out. it's going to work out in clarity and color more vibrant and wonderful than i have ever dreamed of. it's going to be beautiful.

it's my beautiful life.