the person i want to be

• The person I want to be would find a solution to a problem, not spend time dissecting the inadequacies at hand.
• The person I want to be would start figuring out now how to work effectively with the structure at hand. The only change I can control is how I react to it.

This evening:

dog walk with emily

start organizing my clothes

panicky thoughts

ICVM IV time where I am not allowed to place IVC or do venipuncture. I'm having anxiety knowing both that I want to do it and then also worrying that I don't know how to do it anymore and then having feelings about working at *** and being not good enough and wondering if i should have worked this summer and at the same time, missing the river.

heart in pieces

this morning i woke up, peed outside the tent, walked 5 minutes to the out house, was peripherally involved with breakfast....

i fail to capture what i mean to say. I just feel so lost here == i miss the hill, the river, the air sweeping through the tent and at the same time I am so familiar here, the couch of my childhood. but then, if it is so familiar, how do I ever leave the couch? Must I always be so far far away that the raw beauty around me overwhelms my natural proclivities?

i miss alexa and the river and carbon running without her leash and the thrill of the sunset and the feel of wet grass on my morning trek to the outhouse and the beauty of the garden fronds peeking up perilously high, the cistern, the boat, the dock, the view from everywhere. i miss it so much i think it is burning a hole in me.