hmmm.

tomorrow i have a test in principles of medicine. i went on an 8.3 mile bike ride today and it was fun (i had to stop on a couple of big hills but it was still fun). I've been crafting a lot. i've come up with a new technique for beaded necklaces that i like a lot.

i'm a bit lonely here in PA but that was to be expected. I am doing fine. i get overwhelmed sometimes (especially when i read the classnotes from williams). because you only get one life and a finite stretch of time and who and where and what you spend your time doing. i think i am doing a good thing with my life. i like working with animals. i love my animals. i love learning how to take care of animals. i don't love the boring parts of school right now but i enjoy what i am learning (like cutting hamster teeth!). i'm tired and am going to go to bed soon. i have to get up and work out on the treadmill tomorrow AM then go over to Harcum and do animal care (feed/water hamsters/gerbils + whatever else etc...) then study for my exam and maybe craft and study and craft and study.... until my evening class.

i'm looking forward to the beach. to having a job (if i get the kennel position!). to the island over labor day. to being at peace with my life and enjoying the decisions i've made and am making. becuase i think there is something possible, something that when i believe it, when i really accept that it is better to have one real life than the expanse of possibility that exists only in my imagination, that when that happens i will shift into focus, my life, my hope, my peace.

i have always thought i would do something important in my life and yet i have also always believed it's pointless (it being life, the whole stretch, the idea of changing the world). the truth is, i grew up expecting a lot of myself and dreaming big but still being really apathetic. because i get overwhelmed by the enormity of the world. i realized a long time ago that real happiness has to do with leaving the horizon in the distance and learning to love the world around you. but i have to be sure i've chosen to surround myself with what i love and what is lovely. and right now, when i'm alone, like i seem to always end up, it's hard to believe i'm doing things right. but in the moments when i watch max eat his grapes and kitten comes and cuddles with me and i get to meet new animals and learn things about how to interact with them... in those moments i think i'm ok, i think i'm fine and i think i can see things evening out, like marks in the sand and the waves sweeping, sweeping it all away.

more! more pictures!

peek-a-max!


oh god the grapes are good!

the bird's nest on our broken column (day one)

the bird's nest: today

an assortment of images

max's new playzone in the corner of my bedroom




birdy's playzone at the foot of my bed

yum yum max likes kale


yum yum birdy loves peas and corn

uh, hi. bunny loves her closeup!

catching up

the cliff-hanger at the end of the NCIS season finale: tony's girlfriend's father is La Grandouille (sp?) the arch-nemesis of the season, evil incarnate. This is the only girl tony has ever loved. Is she evil too? what does this mean for tony?

I have decided sarah will live on CSI. I have decided that all the hoopla about Jorja fox leaving CSI is to raise interest in whether she will live or not.

I think it is ok burke and christina did not get married. I wish bailey had gotten chief resident. i don't really like calleigh all that much. i don't think george's marraige is a good idea. I don't really think izzi and george should get together. I think she is lonely and confused. I am annoyed at how meredith has been treating derek. Her 'intimacy issues' are overwhelming. I am sad susan died. that was a blow. I don't think it's good that lexi gray is at seattle grace. what are they going to do, kill her too? have her outshine meredith? i'm not cool with either scenario.

other shows: CSI:NY: yay! danny and lindsay hooked up. mac/stella/hawkes saved the day. House: i don't care if forman leaves. i hope he doesn't. I can't decide if chase is an asshole or not. L&O:CI is moving to USA. I hope they still do a full season, not a 16 episode season (ala monk, psych, etc...)

on the upside: closer is starting soon. Also, i've been under a lot of stress from my tv shows so i think the summer off is a good thing. the NCIS episode was rather anticlimactic but the final twist with jeanne's father makes me sad for tony. Best case: she doesn't know who her father is. this is all a horrible coincidence. worst case: she doesn't really love tony, she has 'infiltrated' NCIS for her father via tony. Oh poor tony. this is the first girl he has given his heart to. i fear that if she is bad he will be broken.

in the real world:
i've begun classes at harcum for vet tech. so far i've had all my classes and labs. I'm having a good time. i biked to class last week but i decided i need a new route because the road is just too busy. so on monday i tried a back roads way that raised the mileage from a 3-mile one way (6 mile round trip) to a 5-mile one way (10 mile round trip) that kicked my ass on the uphills. I drove today because my knee hurt from biking yesterday. tomorrow i'm gonna bike a new new route. maybe 3.5-4 mile one way.

kitten is lounging on the couch in the corner. mom and pop have taken away willy's credit card until he gets a job and he is royally pissed off (but making no move to get a job). THe birds, bunny and mouse are happy. I have great set-ups for the birds in my room and i let the bunny and birds out every morning for 1-2 hrs while i do reading for class and then bike over to harcum.

last night in lab i learned how to restrain and hold a mouse (a mouse!) and i gave it an intra-peritoneal and sub-cutaneous injection of saline. it was scary and exciting. today i learned how to make blood smears for staining and cytology studies. I wrote my first lab report today. I found a mistake in the textbook (who does that!?! me.)

all told: things here are good/ok. I miss NY. I miss my friends. damn it, i miss my lab. i was in lab today and all i could think was "i miss greenlawn." (the lab instructor today i did not like. i like all my other teachers. she was annoying/pretentious/anal-retentive/cloying). I wanted to be able to call abhi and mary and patsy and tell them i miss them but the land line at our house is broken. and i was in class. and if i used my cell phone the lab lady would dock me 10 points off my final grade. i can't handle that stress.

so the plan is: bike tomorrow. I had my confidence shaken a lot by how hard my ass got whooped yesterday and i don't want to hurt myself. however, i do need to get back in the saddle. so tomorrow i mount and ride!

school night!

my first in a while. and today is max's one year old hatch day. i just got back from a 5.5 mile bike ride (and since it's only 3 to harcum i think i'm good!)

i'm a little bummed because i talked to the advisor today and since i'm the only one registered for the summer anatomy course it isn't being offered. but she switched me into something else so i'll take anatomy this fall. i'll just study on my own. on the upside: no 8:30 am class = no 7:30 wake up! and it'll be easier to bike over a little later (because i won't be so tired). I do now have 2 night courses though but whatever. i can bike at night too. i'll get those reflector thingies... so far so good.

who knows

I just woke up from a rather disturbing dream about my family (sort of a charicature of half of my family, my mothers half).

i feel sometimes like my life is so good i'm not allowed to complain. and lord knows, it's sweet. it really really is. i'm just ill-equipped. or over equipped. i'm messed up inside and i'm sad and i think i was made that way because i was given pretty much every opportunity. I'm trying really hard right now to be happy. i'm trying to step up to the plate in my life. i'm saying "stand down" to mom even when i'm scared to stand up.

i think i'm in a strange place where i've been so well supported i've never had to stand on my own. and then muscles atrophy and so does confidence. i've never had to stand on my own so it doesn't occur to me i could. i'm workingon believing in myself as a functioning person a bit more. I never doubt that i'm smart, i just doubt my ability to do anything but think.

i'm a good thinker. at least, i think so. and that's good enough for me.

i miss my friends in NYC. right now i have no one at home except for mom (and lord knows that's complicated) and she goes back to work tomorrow. I start school in two weeks.

my tv shows are in turmoil. thus, i am in turmoil. last night on CSI: Miami horatio had to fire someone ( i think ryan from the previews) and that made me too anxious to watch. tonight olivia gets in trouble on L&O:SVU and tomorrow Mac and Stella get in trouble on CSI:NY. Not too mention i read in TV Guide that jorja fox didn't renew her contract with CSI and that sarah may be killed off.

i know this sounds silly, to be so upset about tv. but tv is my pretend place, my security blanket, my made up friends. to have so much upheaval is hard. i've had enough change for a while. so the hint of other changes scares me.

also: last thursday on grey's anatomy derek said something to meredith about "i can't breathe for you any longer" and it just made me think about happiness. how i need to be in control of my own. not rely on other people or my mother for it. just to have it. not to be so needy or so sad. it's not just that, it's hard to explain. it's worring that i can need so much and be so sad that someone who loves me just gives up, even though they love me. that i am unloveable, unchangeable, unfixable. that is sad and scary.

it's just that i worry i'm so afraid of being hurt i'd rather pull back and let go than work through it.


i had a thought the other day. i keep having these dreams about my mom not loving me and anyone who knows her would know that's ridiculous. but the dreams are complicated. it always starts with mom loving john more than me. and then i am so angry and hurt and scared that i make myself unloveable by acting out. and the whole time i'm screaming "love me more" "love me the most" but i'm just so unbearable that she washes her hands of me. now i think those dreams are about me wanting so much from people that i drive them away. of fearing so much that i'll lose something that i'd rather just give it up than deal with that constant anxiety about losing it. that I myself, who i am, is unloveable. I hope it's not true. i think that i'm moping intellectually.so i'm writing here. and trying to figure out what i feel. i'm circling my wagons.

i want to have my own tirade but i don't. because i don't want to say things ever that i'll regret. because i know given enough time things will blow over, one way or another. that i can be a placid sea and keep my turmoil far, far below. i just need to be in control. and i can do that.