more pictures

kitten and scooter--my swimmer puppy i baby sat a few weeks ago. kitten liked scooter just fine until scooter woke up and kitten left skid marks accelerating out of the room. i think kitten thought scooter was a stuffed animal. i think it says a lot about kitten that he was afraid of a disabled puppy who's not even able to walk.


me prepped to walk to work

i walked in on the bun in my bedroom happily munching through a fashion magazine. she's an odd bunny.

kitten says "come here my pretty, this bed is warm and i think there is room for two"

snapshots

i've changed a lot.

i've grown up a lot.

enough to understand you never stop growing up.

but then again, you don't have to get all the way grown up either.

i can do a lot of things. i can do them well.

musings

last night i was reading old posts (from a year or so ago) and i was struck by how much happier i am with my life now than i was a year ago. which of course got me to thinking "am i happy?" I hope not in the sense that i feel like my life can be much better. i want better. i'll have better. but i was reading my old blog entries and i was just so sad, so empty. all i had was j*******'s criticism, work, fears about grad school, buying makeup and my diet. I regret the 6 months of being off my diet and porking up but i'm back in control now. and so much older.

so am i happy? it got me thinking about gradients. am i happy? no. But i am closer to happy. i am less sad. it's a scale. and i'm shifting toward the light. i am becoming less dark inside. dark and twisty, of course. i think that's how i'm put together. but now with this hope inside me, like some kind of smoky joy that rises through whatever iron pilings i'm made of.

i think about the puppies less now. it seems like a dream that a month ago i had puppies in my house, in my heart. and that's how it's supposed to be, letting go is about letting it go, not regretting it for an instant. I want to get kitten updated on all his vaccines so i don't have to worry about him when i foster raise kittens. cause i want to do that. and i want vet tech school. i want my hair to be blond and i want to walk to class or bike or drive if i have babies i need to take care of. i want to make flashcards and color coded outlines. i want to memorize everything so that when i see an animal in trouble i know how to make it better. i'm good at making things better.

i see my future now with so much hope. so much that my greatest fear now is not how i'll get through it (as i felt this time last year) but that i don't fuck it up, that i live as hard and as happily and as bravely as I can because i realize my life isn't something to get through. it's this wonderful adventure. is it great and glorious and epic? it is to me. i'm my own narrator. i'm the protagonist. the main character of this story that maybe only i read. that maybe only i write. but damn, you only get one story so make it a good one. otherwise there's no point.

i was thinking on my walk to work the other day about good and evil. about meaning. i had an idea that either man was good and the universe was evil or man is evil and the universe is good. because there are so many bad things in the world and so many good ones that it can't be one or the other. it's not so simple. does man struggle in a world where the dice will always fall against him? or is this still some kind of eden and we're all just apple-holics? i decided my premise was wrong. i'd like to think that the universe is neutral. we just do what we can. I've been dealt a good hand. such a good hand. so good. it's not a royal flush but it might be 4 aces. does that beat a royal flush? i'm not great at poker. i feel like i would be 4 aces. maybe 3 aces and a wildcard. i just have to play it right. i'm really good, i don't need to bluff through life. i don't need to have crutches and pretend things. i just need to write down all the goodness inside me and then read it back until i think it's real. because when i write these things it feels true--the light of my computer screen and music in the dark bird room that smells like feathers and i can hear birdy eating seed in the corner. i feel brave here. brave like i don't need to avoid things or be afraid or be alone. i am alone right now. but not forever.

i've been talking myself up lately. so i have no sexual experience. big deal. i'll learn. i'm generally a quick study. i want to be a passionate lover. someone uninhibited and confident. and i'm so not there yet. i'm so awkward. i want peace in my own skin. cause when i get there i think i'll be ready to show it to someone. i'm closer. a lot. i just have to keep in my mind the purity, the bravery, the wild parts of myself are not shriveling up and dying, they're waiting. so i'm a virgin. i know i don't have any STDs. i still have something to look forward to. i'm not some sort of defective. i'm just different. and i am, it would be lying to say i'm not. but tonight i'm deciding that i'm not going to take that as a mark against me. could i have had sex in the past? probably. i've learned from tv that men generally don't turn down the pussy. but i'm not like that. i'm old fashioned in my head.

at work i told my coworker my romance novel secrets for seduction: you tell her you don't want romance. you just want to be friends. and over time, as she feels safe with you, that's when the love happens. and after the safety and the love, that's when the nooky comes. I like to call it the "feely before the touchy." this didn't work for my coworker as he explained to me he was looking for the "touchy without the feely." i'm so not. i recall reading somewhere that the brain is a sexual organ. and i need my brain to be intoxicated before the rest of me is ready. i need to feel safe. for all my innocence i keep myself guarded. i've been hurt and badly but not as badly as i would have if i were truly open. i do have defenses. it's sort of a cut and run deal. it's alone time. and beads and my pets. and secrets (i do have them. people just don't know any of them.) other than that i'm an open book.

so i'm oldfashioned in my head. i'm an accidental virgin. i'm not saving myself for marraige. i'm not saving myself for anything. i'm just keeping myself safe. because i know my capacity for love is so deep, so overwhelming, that if i give myself away i might not get me back. i can love my pets this way. they won't hurt me. i'm afraid of people. i think they will hurt me. i know only people can fulfill me emotionally and physically and the truth is i ache for human contact. for a hug or a massage. to kiss someone, to care about someone. yeah, i ache. but not because i'm cold. because i'm so warm and so afraid. i want to do it right. and i will. i want it enough to wair for it to be right. i run the risk or waiting forever for a perfection that never comes but i think i'm ready to know the difference between a fantasy and reality. i don't want a knight in shining armor. i have loved. i know it is possible. it just has never been the right guy or the right time. so there are some kinks in my plan. it's ok. i'll work through it.

i don't have any plans right now except to not plan too far ahead. i've been worrying lately about obscure but foreseeable problems in my future. my mom keeps saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." which i think is stupid. of course you cross the bridge when you get to it. i'm not talking about bridges. i'm talking about the rivers you come to with no bridge. is it foolish to start planning a bridge when the river is still a faint line in the distance? when it turns out not to be a river at all but instead a rift it's ok. better to plan and be prepared as long as that planning doesn't eat away at you.

so that's where i am. i'm going into the city tomorrow to play with elizabeth. i'm super excited. my car is still iced in so i may walk to the train station... or deice the car tomorrow morning. who knows. all i know is i can do this and it's gonna be great.

wintry goodness

i walked in to work today. it was so much fun. it took me about an hour (20 minutes more than usual) and the hail stung my face as i was slipping along. it reminded me of a walk mom and i took in williamstown during a snowstorm (do you remember mom--we did the cozy corner loop backwards from the willows inn--i think it was the willows, the one with the steep sloping driveway next to the pizza place where we had my graduation dinner--and it got so tiring and then we both slipped when we were crossing the bridge).

it made me happy, joyful even. maybe it was the 4 cans of soda this am while i waited to walk in. but i remembered being at williams. and i remembered that i'm that girl who does crazy shit like walk to work in a hailstorm. that's me. that's the best of me. it's the cream. i spend so much time thinking parts of me are curdled or sour. but i am missing the rich, sweet part of my soul. the part that makes me joyful. that lets me see the world for what it is in some glorious chaos.

so happy valentines day to me.

all out of love
all out of lookin' around
and i got nothing going down
lately there's been a part of me on the ground
but i am letting out

can i say
i don't need a lover to feel ok
if i die i know when i go that i'll go with a smile
so don't waste my time
cause i feel so free when i close my eyes
all right, it'll never be you but it gets me by

-arden kaywin

ho hum

nothing doing. i've been good on my diet and walking to work but spending too much money. i have to rein it in again. which i can do. it's just hard with this hunger gnawing in my tummy.

everybody wants to be a genius.

you're not the only one

wtih all things that you might do

which one of them will you get to?

tomorrow when you wake up

then you'll show them.

nobody wants to break your heart

you do it on your own

there's nothing wrong with you today

nothing you had that they took away

but all this time you're waited

for what is owed to you

you want to fight, they fight you blue

you want to lie, who will lie with you.

you're the only one, waiting for a sign.

so you're the only one

so you're the only one

everyone's had some situation

keep it to yourself

there's no need to answer questions

your lies have spoiled two confessions

and all the time you waited

won't come back to you

you want to fight, they fight you blue
you want to lie, who will lie with you.
you're the only one, waiting for a sign.
so you're the only one
so you're the only one

everybody wants to be a genius.

-inara george

i'm blah, as usual. two months from today i say sayonara to long island and head home to P.A. to deal with moving and then starting vet tech school. i'm super excited about vet tech school. i just need to not be so rigid. i'm good at solving problems. i'm bad at waiting for problems to arise. i just try to solve it all at once and then i go crazy. i am going crazy. i'm tired and my back hurts. i have to find a doctor but i just don't have the energy or gumption. i hope the weather is really bad tomorrow and i can't walk to work. i'm so hungry today. i think it's because i wasn't very hungry yesterday. stupid stomach remembers. no free lunch. no free ride. no cookies.

a change in plans

so the puppies never came. i just found out the woman who has them has decided to keep them. regardless, i took a lovely day of vacation in front of the TV and i don't feel like a bad fake failure any more because i know i wanted to do it. so that's it. there will be more babies. and i will welcome them to my bosom with open arms.

more

i took thur and fri off from work. i'll be temporarily caring for 2 of the puppies. if they ever arrive. it's 7:28 pm and hopefully the puppies will come in some time tonight but i may not get them until tomorrow morning. which would really be fine, i'll just sleep well tonight and be ready to face it all tomorrow.

i can do this.

troubled

Take a look at my body

Look at my hands

There's so much here

That I don't understand

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence

It thrives in the dark

With fine winding tendrils

That strangle the heart

They say that promises

Sweeten the blow

But I don't need them

No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower

Frost killing hour

The sweet turning sour

And untouchable

O, I need

The darkness

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

I need this

I need

A lullaby

A kiss goodnight

Angel sweet

Love of my life

O, I need this

Do you remember the way

That you touched me before

All the trembling sweetness

I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

No, I don't need them

O, I need

The darkness

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

I need this I need

A lullaby

A kiss goodnight

The angel sweet

Love of my life

I need this

Is it dark enough?

Can you see me?

Do you want me?

Can you reach me?

Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth

Hold your breath

Kiss me now you'll catch my death

O, I mean it

-Natalie Merchant

i'm feeling really sad. little shelter called me about being a foster mommy for 3 1-day old puppies and i had to tell them i can't do it because it would be too much work for me. And i just feel so sad. i want to do this more than ever. more than anything. but i'm stuck with all this other shit. stuck with life. stuck with a job. with responsibilities. and i need that, i need a web to be tangled in. that's what keeps me on the earth. but i want to be free too, to be able to say: i will drop all this for you, because you are the most important thing in my life.

i know i would do right by those puppies. there are 3 left of 6 originally (3 died) and they are fragile. they need contact. they need love. and i feel like there's a power under my skin, the beat of my heart and strength of my muscles, something pulsing in my fingers that could save them. that could make it alright. that could make everything ok. i know that i could. i just can't.

and now i feel like a faker, like a poser. because i want to drop it all off, drop myself out of the world, and take care of them. but here i have the chance and i said no, i can't. i'm torn because i don't know what is true--is it true that i've made the right decision and taken the harder way out by saying "i can't take responsibility" when i can't, or am i taking the easy way out becuase i don't want to clean up shit for hte next 8 weeks. i think i'm doing the hard, right thing instead of the easy wrong thing or the easy right thing. that is, i want to. i earnestly do. but i have responsibilities that i can't reneg on and the decision i have made is adult and brave. it would be immature and short sighted to say that i can take care of the puppies when i can't. not without taking a couple of weeks off from work. and i can't really do that.

i did tell them that if they can't find someone right away i could take the puppies for a few days. and i'm hoping so badly they need me. something to assuage my guilt over failing these puppies. failing everything. being such a fucking failure.

i thought i knew my path, i thought i knew what i was doing. and now i'm confused again. will i ever have a life where i can drop everything to care for puppies? the only way to be sure is to make my life that way. i was thinking today on the walk to work about the limits of one person, the way i can only stretch so far. i have been thinking a lot lately about the idea of other people's accomplishments not being my failures but today i saw the limitations of a life in a different way, not as my failing to do enough but the fact that i have limits. not because i'm lazy or bad but because i'm only one person and i have only 24 hours in the day. i have only so much time. and only so much strength.

but i have so much love. so much inside me, that i need to let it go, i need to give it away before it overflows and i just dry up, barren and alone. empty and confused.

i have to be happy. i have to share this love inside of me. i need something to love. it's just teeming under my surface and it makes my real lif seem so vacuous and empty in comparison.

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this