i just had this thought:

"ooh. he works on breast cancer cells. that's so sexy."

i'm sick.
i need to get out more.

a special day

today i got to rehydrate a baby squirrel -- furred but eyes still closed, no teeth, the size of a hamster but all legs and tail -- and it was a really profound feeling. It was 3:45pm and i had just come back inside the wildlife hospital after shepherding the ducks into their night time enclosure, feeding the owls and locking up the hawks and when i came inside the lady in charge said 'oh, we just admitted a baby squirrel' and it felt like my heart was going to explode.

it was really great. i'm so excited for baby season. the flood begins.

on other news: i spend 2 hours out chasing reports of a gull with a broken wing but we were unable to locate the gull. i still enjoyed tromping through the hospital parking lot with a giant net searching everywhere a gull could have gone. i hope a kind soul caught him and took him to a vet.

cats were good. phoenix (the 3 legged cat) from petsmart is now free roaming at the shelter which i think is great. there is a new 3-legged cat (really like 3.5 since this is an at-the-knee amputation, not at the hip like phoenix) but she is way nicer than phoenix. i really like the new amputee cat. i'm a big sucker for the pity factor. so be it.

so i had been feeling pretty blah (the party was ok but difficult, it is hard to not know anybody and it is hard to talk to people when you have no common experiences) but today was sort of rejuvenating. i did not run today and thus did not run 4 times this week. i have been very tired. as usual. gotta deal with that.

i took a couple of pictures of the squirrel on my picture phone but i need to learn how to get them on the internet. i'll learn how soon and then i can post pictures. i want to show you how tiny this new baby is. i hope it survives.

look ma! no litterbox! 

silk on wool embroidery

i am sitting here in a near panic. i got an email invitation on thursday to a party that's being thrown tonight at the main campus. i was invited by one of the watson students. I don't really know anyone and i'm terrible at parties so i'm really scared. But i need to go and be pretty and witty and confident. and i will, damnit. i am not bringing or drinking alcohol as the invitation had suggested (only the bringing part) and gosh am i having post college alcohol issues.

i can't see drinking at a party because you need to drive home. i wouldn't want to drive even after one beer. birdy is sitting on my head.

i have spent a long time agonizing over my outfit. i tried on fancy tops yesterday evening and it turns out my boobs have shrunk so much that most of them don't fit (yay! departure of the super-boobies!) I was going to go to tj maxx and get a shirt but then it occurred to me that this is the real world, not college and so a party doesn't necessarily mean dress as slut-tastic as you can.

i went to the class for learning how to work with feral dogs. i took the class and then sat and talked to the dog for the next hour. after that i played with puppies for 2 hours. then i came home and slept. since getting up i've been watching tv and pacing nervously. i'm watching mousy work on his nest-bed.

i'm wearing le feu de issey -- my sexy perfume. mom bought it for me on the 2oth birthday. i wore it during me four day courtship at the end of sophomore year and it makes me feel pretty. i am focussing on that.

i feel like i can see the destination ahead--that the end of the weight loss section of my diet is in sight and then it will be about maintaining. of course, by in sight i mean 15 lbs or so away. i didn't run today. i was too tired. i have to run tomorrow, after wild animals (maybe at night if i need to sleep after wild animals). I don't know why i am always so tired. maybe i just can't face life. i think that's what it was today.

new videos

http://media.putfile.com/love-puppy1
http://media.putfile.com/kitten-and-mousey
http://media.putfile.com/crazy-tail
http://media.putfile.com/hampy-unloads-cotton-balls

i must find the love-puppy! 

the love-puppy

kitten has been carrying on an affair with a stuffed dog that i had been using to keep birdy from chewing on the back of my printer. when i moved the printer i tossed the dog on the floor and i left it there (because i'm a slob). So a week ago i noticed that the dog seemed to be moving around the apartment of its own volition. it was never something i could be 100% sure of until a few days ago when i caught kitten in the act of carrying it around in his mouth and then doing a little love dance with it.

this creeps out my mother but i find it funny/sad. funny because dude, it's freaking hilarious to watch kitten walk around dragging a stuffed dog and then doing his love-dance with it. but sad because he has been neutered and castrated (long story, health reasons) so there is no way he can ever consummate anything. or with a stuffed puppy for that matter. it makes me think kitten might be lonely. but there is no way we could get him a buddy because he has too many emotional issues for that--i don't want to revisit the peeing.

oh lordy.

right now i'm drinking diet pepsi and trying to decide whether i need to shower. i'm going over to the main campus for 2 talks today so i think i will. i like to look my best when i am going out to see people...

also: i am invited to a party tomorrow night! so of the wsbs grad students are having one or people they know... whatever. i'm terrified but i'm going to suck it up and go. show some cleavage, make clever conversation, drink nothing and leave by 9/10 pm. (it starts at 7 i think). oh lord i'm scared.

kitten and his love-puppy 

kitten carrying his love-puppy to a choice location 

hampy's new cage (i added a shelf, wheel, mini home, tunnel... it's pimped out) 

mousey's new cage!! 

the source of my new tan... 

kitten and the stuffed animal: tragi-comedy 

i bought kitten a live catnip plant and some cat grass (i caught him eating chinchilla's hay off the floor...) 

newly inspired

i went to a meeting that j. was leading today at 4pm. it totally reinvigorated me--not his presentation but my uncle was at the meeting too and he said some things about the autism project and science that were really inspiring. logistical details, sample procurement, the clinical side of things... it is hard to explain but it got me really juiced up. mary (the grad student) was here today and so i worked with her a bit (which i always enjoy) and brought her to the meeting and i think she had a good time. we were both inspired.

choice quotes from nobel prize winner.

On healthy parents of children with autism:
'they're not normal, they're like, engineers or something.'

on a candidate for a job in working with parents of autistic children:
'he was just so dreary. don't get him. get a woman.'

it was actually a lot of fun and I am feeling inspired.

i went out to petsmart and bought mousey a new cage because of his escapism hijinks. did i mention that? he got out through the bars in hampy's cage. did i mention that i bought hampy a new cage? i'll write more later. i'm tired now. i got up at 6:15 to go running (at 7) so mom and i could have breakfast at ihop before she hit the road. it rocked.

my priorities

1. my animals (kitten, birdy, etc) and my family
2. my diet and my running (physical and mental health)
3. my work with animals (cat shelter, wild animal hospital, etc...)

relatively equal priorities:

• improving my money status
• my crafting
• studying for grad school so that i can get into a good grad school
• doing a good job at work

I need to keep that straight.

sighs.

Part 1:
The back story

so, since hong left patricia and I have been leaving at about 3 pm from work. we get all our work done and it is good. so we were under the impression that it was ok from j******* that we go home. leaving at 3pm was really the best thing about my job. it's why i thought i could go work with the feral dog because i was going to have a lot of extra time to fill.

Part2:
the part with tears

so, yesterday patsy leaves at 3pm. I was reading headlines at the jay leno site so i stayed until around 3:10. bossman had been here all day without saying anything to me. as i get ready to leave (packed up bookbag, purse, walking out) he's like:

'so, could we have a meeting'

'ah, now?'

'yes, now. do you have someplace else to be?'

'well, i'm supposed to be having dinner with my aunt and my mom in about an hour. what did you want to talk about?'

'blah blah blah...let's meet in my office.'

'ok' follows bossman. bossman closes door to office. heart plummets. blood flow to extremeties cut off, blood pours into muscles. heart rate increases. respiration increases. bead of perspiration.

'blah blah blah things are slipping through the cracks about the paper...'

enough of this dialogue. bossman starts by saying that not everything's getting done at work. so i say 'just tell patsy and i what to do, we'll get everything done that we know about but we only know samples, we don't know what you need done for the paper.' so bossman is like 'well, i know that labwork doesn't keep you busy six hours and you're only here six hours' so i'm like "oh, great.' so he goes on and starts complaining about how he doesn't want to be the one to have to initiate all our meetings (uh, i thought that's what bosses were for?) So he wants to meet on mondays. fine with me. he started a lab meeting on thursday two months ago but stopped having it because he was busy (he's such a hypocrite). he says 'ok monday at 3' and i'm like 'could we have it at 9?' because i don't see what the point of wasting a day until the meeting is--if if we meet in the morning i will know what i need to do that whole week and can plan accordingly. so he's like 'fine, meet at nine' at which point i realize it would be better to meet at ten so i say 'actually, if we meet at 10 i can start the label before the meeting' and he's like "fine, we'll have the fucking meeting at 10" (he actually cursed). So i'm look. "ok" And then he goes "i don't want you leaving until 4:30." So i'm like "ok."

so then he's like "well, there are times that i'm here and i think of something and i want to tell you and you're already gone." so i'm thinking: fine, whatever, i'll stay later. you're the boss... And he's going "because i don't really finish my day to day stuff until 3 anyway and that's when i have time to think and then you're already gone" blah blah blah so i'm just sitting there and then he says "i don't run into the same problem with patsy."

So basically bossman wants me to stay late, not the other lab tech (the higher position, better paid one). So then he's like "you remember how vicki used to stay at her desk even if she wasn't doing anything? that's what i want. science doesn't happen 9-3. just the potential for interaction is worth staying for."

so i'm thinking "ok, you want me to stay an extra 1.5-2 hrs so i can sit at my desk with -- you admit it -- my work done for the day so i can be there in case you have an idea and want to tell me to do something or to bounce ideas off of me? right, am i hearing this correctly?"

but of course i'm just sitting there keeping my composure. i'm going to resume GRE studying in the last 1.5 hour of me new day. he also said the lab pays me for 40 hours a week which isn't true, it's a 35 hour a week contract and since i don't take a lunch hour that works out to 9-4pm. which is what i'll be doing. except today of course we have a meeting at 4 pm so we won't get out until 5:30/6pm probably. bite me douche bag.

so i know my leaving at 3 was a damn sweet deal. but what pisses me off it that basically i am being told to stay later so i can be j****'s intellectual sounding board. but he doesn't talk to me, he talks at me so i'm thinking, couldn't i print out a big picture of my face and he could just talk to that? it's not like he cares what i have to say?

and i've been feeling so fucking worthless for the last six months. you remember how 2 weeks ago he didn't even ask what i was doing while he was gone, it was like i was totally unimportant? now it's like "actually, i want you to be here more, you worthless piece of shit." so what the fuck?

basically i will do it because i have to. and i will deal with it. i will study and waste time and go back to a level of inefficiency that will take me until 4:30 pm to finish but fuck man, couldn't you be less of a shitty human being?

now in new, extra dark flavor

I've been trying this new moisturizer (see picture) which is supposed to give me a gradual, natural, artifical tan. natural artificial. my oximoron is not lost on me.

I've been using it for about a week on my arms and legs because when i tried on a pair of shorts last week the color of my skin (ashen grey and transparently pasty) made me feel faintly ill.

i woke up this morning and looked at myself and thought "dear god, i'm orange." When i looked closer though i decided that i'm not orange. I keep looking at my forearms while i'm typing this and i feel the stirrings of summer--that hope, the feeling of being baked in a good, world worn tired and earthy sort of way. of course, my current color comes from a bottle so it's not quite as good in a 'feel good' sort of way but it's also better for my DNA.

anyway, thumbs up from me.

kitten just loves this bathmat. and me.  

"wait, i think you have something on your teeth." 

what do you mean i look funny? 

spring soon

i had been feeling rather good today and then at around noon/1pm i started feeling really melancholy and now i'm downright melancholy/sad. i don't know what it is. i got my car fixed this morning (oil changed) and i had them look at the broken door handle. the reason they didn't fix it last time is that the door handle is broken (unfixable) and a new part needs to be ordered. so i told them to order the part.

i labelled at work today. checked out my experiments. turns out i made a mistake in what sample i used like, 3 weeks ago (maybe more) but could only tell today. whatever. I'm aiming to label 3x per week for the next two weeks because patricia gave me the plate she has been working on getting ready so it's all mine now!

i'm drinking calming tea.

i read some of the elegant universe while i was waiting for my car to get fixed. i'm working on understanding einsteins theory of relativity and what it means that the speed of light is constant. i think i actually understand it now--that the motion of light is not like the motion of other objects (non-accelerated motion) in so much as it is not affected by the motion of the observer. so you can't run toward light and catch it because you will not decrease the apparent speed of the light by running toward it. additionally, you can't ever move at teh speed of light because of einstein's other theory (special relativity?) which states basically that everything in the universe is moving at the speed of light but through at least 4 dimensions, 3 spatial and 1 time. so if you were to achieve teh speed of light in a spatial dimension it wouldn't do you any good because time would stop.

so i've been thinking lately and i think that a second is a really long time. i have often been amazed at the speed of my bodily processes--nerve travel and sensation, movement etc... when you think of all the ion channels and movement of particles and the transmission of signal through hundreds of thousands of cells... but what i realized is that my very comprehension of that time is rooted in my brain which functions only at the speed of those transmissions. i can't think any faster than my nerves can send signals so what feels instantaneous to me actually takes fractions of a second and perhaps \that is a lot of time in an absolute sense. electrons and molecules and atoms and really small things move a lot faster than a speed measured in 'per second' so what i have been thinking today is about how slowly the world must move as measured by human perception. if it were possible to have a consciousness that wasn't dependent on physical travel of energy throughout a complex network it would see the whole world as moving really really really slowly i think. at the same time, consciousness is that buildup of simple circuits to create a complex entity so the thing--consciousness--is linked inextricably to being rooted in time. this is sort of a facet of uncertainty--you cannot separate intelligence (an entity) from the capacity to think and respond and that capacity is defined by and limited to its ability to process and produce stimuli--actions and reactions that require both space and time for the physical act of comprehension. so what of that horribly run on sentence? I guess what i am saying is that i don't have to wrory about how quickly my nerves work becuase even if they're really slow by the standards of the universe they are fast enough for me.

on another note: i responded to a request from little shelter for a person to come in 4-5 days a week at least 45 minutes a pop to work with one of three dogs from N. Orleans that isn't 'coming around' (animal shelter speak for not-adoptable). I would really like to do this and i hope i hear from the lady at little shelter.

i'm drinking calming tea. it's 3:50 pm. i have to be at petsmart around 5-5:30 pm to work with cats and then starbucks at 7 for GRE studying and i feel like i should go over to little shelter to see if the lady who sent out the email is there. i need to change into my animal clothes and give kitten and birdy the last of my love for the time being. i do so adore them.

my sweet bird 

kitten stands watch. sort of.  

hiking

hiking yesterday was fun. it didn't blow my mind or change my world but it was a good 7 mile hike that left me tired, a little sore and worthy of treating myself to chinese takeout dinner (!!)

the young members group that i hiked with had mostly middle aged members but we met up with another young members group and they had a couple of people my age and it was nice to talk to them. of course, the last time i went really hiking was one of my last days at williams and it was up mt greylock with my bestest of best group of friends so this was a different experience. but fun. i was totally in shape enough for it. i got up at 5:45 got coffee, money, drove to the meet spot (near queens) met a carpool (me, a woman leader and two older men--40s and 50s) and then we drove another hour or so to the hiking location. we hiked for about 4 hrs (7 miles over hilly terrain with a lunch and multiple water breaks) and then the two groups split up and we went back to LI. I drove home and got in bed! i was tired! i slept for a while and then decided to order chinese food for dinner because i hadn't eaten very much for a busy day and felt like the life force had been drained out of me. i felt much better after eating my hot and sour soup and pork lo mein. it was yummmmmmmmmmy.

today: a big day of cats and wild animals! maybe there will be babies at the wild animal shelter? it's almost baby season! i can't wait!

kitten performing an unusually difficult move from the rarely documented 'kitty yoga' art form 

i love you too birdy.  

birdy likes to look her best for me 

that's a bad birdy! 

who you lookin' at? 

high as a kite

oh my god.
i'm totally cracked out.
i'm high as a kite on caffeine.
now, this is my fault maybe 84%

i went to the grocery store before work today to get sugar free popsices and low fat ice cream treats as a send off for my coworker who is on a diet. (she said no cake. that had been the status quo for send offs).

i hadn't had coffee this morning. i also forgot to take my effexor as this was one of the unfortunate mornings that i wake up from a fucked up dream dripping sweat and generally disoriented.

so i'm walking around the grocery store and i decide to get a soda. they had a diet version of the new energy soda 'vault' so i had some 'vault zero' (i'm a sucker for a new diet soda). I enthusiastically drank 2/3 of the soda while i bought some treats, tea (for me) soup (for me) and cheese (for me). as i was checking out i noticed that i was feeling the effects of the caffeine.

when i got to work i had my coffee. because i always do. i can't start the day without coffee even if i've already had 20 ounces of high octane soda.

i also realize at this point that i've forgotten to take my effexor, the effects of which is to render me near incapacitated by vertigo.

i wanted to go to the main campus of the lab for a talk in RNAi so i left my lab at 11:40 so i could go home (take effexor and hopefully decrease vertigo and disorientation).

i am feeling better now vertigo-wise and i am eating some tasty and delicious Campbell’s Select
Mexican Style Chicken Tortilla Soup but i am high as a kite.

totally cracked out.

i can't even remember why i felt i needed to write ablog entry. i felt like i had something relevant to say besides being totally cracked out. cracked out! if i was a body part i'd be a butt crack, that's how cracked out i am.

the soup was so good i am planning on cooking my own even better version. I am also eating 50% fat free cheese that tastes so creamy its like the innards of heaven. i'm typing so quickly that every 18th letter is a typo but accuracy be damned.

oh yeah
i remember why i wanted to write an entry
here is my partial conversaion with my boss today. i wanted to talk to him to tell him (1) what i had done this week/remind him i am employed here (2) tell him i was going to a talk at the main campus (3) do my part to appear a dutiful employee.

me: hi J*******. I just thought i'd tell you what i did this week. i did the 32 hybs for the samples from the leftover plate NIHAU0002b. I'm going to go to the RNAi talk over at the main campus

bossman: oh. yes. i have some things i want to talk to you about.

me: umhm (eyes open. paying attention)

bossman: we are going to start having some regular meetings i want you to be a part of about the papers we're getting ready to publish.

me: sounds good. (thinking: moderately cool. compliments on job done exceedingly well this past week: unexpected and unrealized!)

bossman: the routine data collection aspect of the papers is going fine


me (thinking) : wait, was that a half-assed back-handed compliment?

bossman:but some other things are falling through the cracks

me: nods(thinks: no shit sherlock, what did you think would happen when half your employees quit and the other half have to do double the previous data production?)

bossman: like paternity verification and

me: I gotta go change my slides in the scanner. But this sounds good.

bossman: ok -turns-

sighs.
back to current time now.
i guess i'll finish up my shit and think about absconding. (vocab word mom. bite me).

one other good thing:
there may be another lab tech hired. a guy from south carolina who just finished his masters.
= guy, maybe my age = cool? or = creepy and perpetual disappointment = par for the joey life course.

on the upside, the caffeine is making me crazy happy. crazy craszy crazy craysy

i'm done fixing my types
typos
oops.
guess i'm not

hmmmmmm

I feel like really nothing has been happening to me here. I have entered some sort of terminal equilibrium. Terminal equilibrium being a stunningly appropriate term from a biological perspective as any biologist knows the only time a living system enters real equilibrium is death (wrestle with that why don't you).

I completed my running goals for this week -- 35, 30, 40 minute runs on tues, wed, thurs mornings. My run this morning was hard, i had to keep slowing the treadmill down to keep running but you get bad runs. I'm going to try to do a short run tomorrow morning (maybe 20 minutes but with some intervals?) because i won'y be running on saturday because i will be going on a hike!

saturday is a 7 mile hike with the 'young members' group of the hiking group i joined a couple of months bake. This group is supposed to be composed of 20-30 something year olds and we are hiking with the mid-hudson group as well so i might actually meet people! It's apparently quite an outing--meeting at 7:30 am to carpool to another spot about an hour and a half away where we meet up with teh other group and then hike for 5-6 hours (!!) they usually go out to dinner afterwards and bring not nasty clothes to change into so i'm just excited about it all. i am going to see if i can find any non-cotton pants for hiking in tonight at walmart.

maybe one day she'll be her own
everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own



birdy has been a holy terror lately--super demanding, always flying to me, squawking a lot. i think she's entering avian adolescence. but i still adore her.

kitten has been so wonderful it brings tears to my eyes. he is so affectionate and loving and tender--when i wake up he jumps up on the bed next to me and then reaches out with his paw and just gently touches my face. he is so wonderful. although he has been showing some interest in the toilet paper swirling down the drain when i flush the toilet. although no attack has been made i think he is going to go for it one day.

i adore him.
life wanders on.
it's rather desultory.
ha.

harmony 

why i can't wear earrings around birdy 

lots of love! 

look at kitten's tongue! (and my weirdly separated two toes).  

i'm a hero!

i was watching tv this evening from bed in the dark--an unusual set up for me since i usually watch from the futon with the light on. fortuitous though as I looked out my window and saw a branch on fire! i thought "no joey, it's probably just the light, wind..." but i looked outside more closely and saw that there was indeed a branch on the pine tree on fire. i thought about what to do. I didn't want to seem overexcited and stupid but if i did nothing and it ended badly i would feel much worse than if i did something even if it's no big deal.

so i called my landlord to report the problem (even though it wasn't on the property) I looked up the fire department number online but i couldn't get through (maybe it was an office number?) so i decided to call 911. so i called 911 and the operator patched me through to the fire department and i told them my quasi-emergency. they said they would send someone over and a nice (good looking!) man was at my door in about 3 minutes. he checked everything out and called the electrical company (who i had called but was told i would have a 10 minute call wait so i decided to call 911 instead). at around the time my landlord got to the apartment the electrical company was also there and a little crowd! i started a crowd!

burn marks were visible on the pine tree and so i'm glad i called. my landlord was grateful and all was safe and sound in suburbia.

yay!

(of course, my life is not without slapstick. I called mom and got cut off from her mid conversation. then the door bell rang. as i was getting the door the phone rang. i answered it and said "i can't talk now, i'll call you back. at which point the voice on the other end said 'this is the fire department. we sent an officer to your location.' so i answered 'yes, he's here, thanks' and as I was opening the door the phone rang again so i answered and said 'mom, can't talk now, i'll call you back.' Perfect timing is my specialty.)

all the excitement 

ps

oh yeah, and i did shower this morning. go figure. i'm actually bathing quite regularly now.

my poem for the day

Do I do?
Do I dare?
Do I wear
clean underwear?

If I don’t
I don’t care!
And I seldom
wash my hair!

If I smell
I don’t mind
My nose can’t reach
My own behind!

this has been running through my head all day. that and the rocky theme. the poem seems a bit reminiscent of Eliot's "prufrock" but the theme is all mind.

GRE Vocabulary Word Essay: March 13, 2006

In my attempts to disseminate knowledge throughout the blog-o-sphere I have decided to continue my grandiloquent writings. Don’t be presumptuous; I am not trying to equivocate, I am not feigning an erudite character and I am certainly not being pedantic. I am a maverick studier and I will embellish the traditional techniques as I choose. I am a paragon of study virtue. My techniques may be eclectic or seem ingenuous but that would be a misunderstanding on your part. There is logic inherent in my actions, a resolute pragmatism you cannot deny though nay-sayers amongst you may prevaricate without a shard of evidence against me. Specious claims at best but there will be a resultant stigma after their opprobrium.

I am feeling too languid and lethargic to continue writing at this time. Perhaps this lassitude results from the soporific environment and rarified air of my office. Perhaps it is simply my flagging fervor but I feel enervated. This study drive is ephemeral and now once again lies dormant, my motives quiescent.

safe and sound

and back in suburbia
getting ready to get coffee and go clean up cat shit
and then go clean up other shit. and feed birds.
had a nice day in the city with eliz yesterday.
enjoyed chicken tikki masala immensly
feel a bit bad knowing that chicken tikki masala was invented for non-indian diners
because of course we like our food slopped with sauce.

actually, i need sauce.
i gotta have something to dip in.

i loooooooooove kitten.